One of us
by I love you Niall J Horan
Summary: This is a story a friend gave me because she didn't have time for it (Leviosa0812)...Kendall and Logan both get kicked out of there houses for being gay. There family's hate each other so when Kendall and Logan take off together it causes trouble.
1. Not one of us

**Not One of Us**

It was cold in Minnesota. Considering it was winter that wasn't all that weird, but this was extreme. Huge piles of snow lay on the once so neat made gardens to make room for the car on the driveways. The small watery sun wasn't enough to melt the large amounts of snow that fell every night, but for the kids it's was a Walhalla. The lake at the edge of the village was frozen and all kids, young and old, loved to skate and slide on it. It was like a huge village tradition.

Another village tradition, was sticking to your own side. Two families practically reigned the little village. The first, and the richest, were the Knight's. Mr. and Mrs. Knight owned a really large part of the land in northern Minnesota and had a Mansion that had view on said lake. The Knight's had two children. Seventeen year old Kendall Donald Knight was the oldest, he was the heir that would inherit all the Knight's owned. He had a sister, Katherine Mary Knight, but she was only ten years old. Nevertheless, she was Mr. Knight's proud and everyone could see it. Another thing that everyone else could see, was the obvious difference between Kendall and his father and mother. Both Mr. and Mrs. Knight had dark hair and dark eyes, while Kendall was blonde and had green eyes. It was a popular rumor that Mrs. Knight had had an affair with another man and that Kendall had been their love baby. That he wasn't a real Knight. But the boy was treated well and had more than all other kids in town together, so no one could judge Mr. Knight's love for his wife and her bastard.

Only of three other kids you could say different. Together the three Mitchell boys owned more than Kendall Knight. The sons of the states most praised doctors were loved by everyone. The Mitchell's owned a large house at the other side of the little village, in a district where mostly poor people lived. Both doctors did very much for the society. They helped the people who couldn't afford going to a doctor and raised money for many charities.

Their sons were their biggest pride. The oldest, Liam, proved to be just as smart as his parents and skipped a total of three classes and attended Harvard at the age of 15, as the youngest student ever. He finished law school in four years and was just back in the village to help his parents setting up their own foundation.

The second son, Lucas, followed his brothers example and went to Yale after proving to be the cleverest student in Mathematics since Pythagoras. Naturally, he studied math and stayed behind to be a teacher.

The third son, Logan, was his parents baby. He was very promising when it came to languages, but failed horribly at everything that includes numbers. Needless to say, his parents ignored his weak points and encouraged him to learn what he was good at, but because of his inability to work with numbers, little Logan Mitchell disappointed his parents by not being in High School by now like his older brothers had done. Even with his disabilities, he was the smartest kid in his class.

All Mitchell brothers had brown hair and the beautiful brown eyes of their mother, their difference was their built. Liam was 23. He was tall, having amazingly long legs. He had done athletics before contusing his ankle and quitting the sport to focus on his school. Lucas was 20. He wasn't any longer than his younger brother, but a lot broader, being quite a good boxer. But Logan was small, even for a sixteen year old. He was fast, but not as Liam. He was strong, but not stronger than any other regular twelve year old. He was, in comparison to his brothers, average. Normal.

The Mitchell's and Knight's hated each other and all the other people in the village had chosen sides. The most of them are loyal to the Mitchell's, being poor or normal families and have gotten help from the doctors. The rest of the people, mostly the rich families, sided with the Knight's. The reason of the fight between the two families was unknown, but it was an important part of everyone's daily life. If you sided with the Knight's, you didn't talk to anyone that sided with the Mitchell's and the other way around. You bought your food and clothes in stores that were owned by your people and went to church and school from your own side. Everyone was prejudiced.

"Did you hear that that slut of a doctor has an affair with at least two other men?"

"Mr. Knight might own much land, but he's parsimonious as hell. He doesn't even pay his housekeeper. One said he let her work in prostitution for more money"

"Have you noticed Lucas Mitchell seemed to have disappeared? Yeah, they say he's gay and have him hide for the society for a while"

That was another thing in the little religious village. The hatred against homophile people. The Mitchell's were Protestants and the Knight were Catholics, but both families were fiercely against everything that wasn't heterosexual. It was not done.

Two boys suffered intensely under this. They had never met each other, but were in the exact same situation. Both had the pressure of doing everything good, being the very best at everything. Living for the proud of their parents, keeping up the family honor. The first because he has to prove to be worthy of inheriting all his parents owned, the second to live up to his parents expectations. Both were living a lie, pretending to be something they didn't were: Heterosexual.

**One of us~One of us**

I was done pretending. This wasn't who I was. It took me a long time, but I decided I was done with this. I'd everything ready, for the last few months I'd been putting money on a bank account in another state, for the big change I would be kicked out. Surprisingly, I did no longer care for that. The only one I would miss here was Katie, but even without that spoiled brat I could live. It was about a million dollars I saved, enough to stay alive for a couple decennia and honestly, I was glad I could go away from here. My dad was too strict and expected things from me I just couldn't do, my mom loved me, of course she did, but she never stood up for me. She always agreed with my father on everything and I was done with being treated like the bastard I was. Never did they say it, but I knew it was true. My dad wasn't my biological father. Most certainly not. And I was glad, living with him for seventeen years learned me I didn't even want to look like him or live up to him. He was a monster.

I sighed and stepped over the threshold into the kitchen. My mother and father were already sitting at the table. Like every night. I wasn't even nervous. I was always certain for what would happen and my suitcase with clothes was right around the corner, the only thing left was to tell them and listen to their screaming before grabbing my baggage and walking out of their life.

"I've to tell you something" I said and sat down across from them. They looked up, dad put down the book he'd been reading and mom stopped knitting.

"Go ahead, son" She said.

"It's not something you're going to like" I warned them. I had no idea why, but it seemed only fair to warn them before I told them such a big thing.

"You can tell us everything, Kendall" She said friendly.

I took a last deep breath. "I'm gay" I blurted out.

It was dead silent in the Kitchen. My mother smiled nervously and was glancing between me and my 'father'. The real Knight stared at me, slowly growing more and more livid. "Get out" He said.

"What?" Asked my mom afraid. "No! Harold you promised to-"

"I'd always had my doubts about that bastard of yours, but I never said anything. I let him live under my roof, even while he wasn't my son. I'm not letting a fag live here. It's a disgrace. He's going" He said coldly and turned to me again. "I've always known you weren't my son, but I hoped I could raise you as my own. Apparently, you've learned nothing from me the past years. You're a deception. Not one of us. Get out" He whispered dangerously.

I nodded. I'd nothing to say to someone that never loved me. I turned around, grabbed the trolley and walked out of the door. Into the world.

**One of us~One of us**

I'd no idea why I was doing this. I had a good life, I didn't want to risk that! But the urge to no longer live a lie was much bigger than pretending to be someone else to please my parents. I hoped that they could learn to accept me as how I am.

I stepped into the living room where my mom and dad were watching the news together. My father had an arm around mom and her hand was on his knee. It had always been clear how much they loved each other and I hoped I could find love like that at some point in my life. Hopefully, with the bless from my parents.

"Hi, Logie. Come sit with us" Said my mom. She patted next to her on the couch. My dad smiled at me. I nervously smiled back and sat on a chair next to the couch, to confusion of my mom.

"I need to tell you something" I started nervously. The feeling that this would end badly began to increase in power. I didn't want to be kicked out. I loved my parents and brothers, which was why I didn't want to lie anymore. I couldn't pretend anymore. I wanted to be myself.

"Then go ahead, son" Said dad friendly.

"Well, f-for a while. I've been… confused" I said hesitantly.

"About what, boy?" Asked dad curiously. They'd always been very patient and willing to help, but this… I doubted it.

I inhaled deeply. "My sexuality" I said softly, not meeting their eyes. I heard my mo breathing in sharply.

"What are you insinuating, Logan?" Asked dad strictly.

"That I might be- You know, gay" I whispered.

The silence that followed was killing me. Couldn't they just tell me what they thought?

"Get out" Hissed mom then. I looked up at her and saw the obvious hatred on her face. "I've not spending all those years raising a fag. Leave, Logan"

Out of all people, hearing this from your own mother must be the most painful thing ever. "Mom, please" I begged, tears forming in my eyes.

"You heard your mother. Get out!" Yelled my dad.

"I'm not his mother" Said mom. "You're a disgrace, Logan. You're no longer one of us. Get out of our house, our life"

My dad stood up and walked up to me, I quickly stood up too and ran away. Out of the door on the street, trying not to listen to the things my dad yelled after me. I ran and ran, thinking of where to go, what to do. I had no idea. I couldn't believe they just kicked me out, without even letting me get my stuff. The only thing I'd with me now was my phone and my wallet, that had only sixty dollar.

I tripped over a curb and fell flat on my face in the snow. That was the moment I realized I didn't even have a jacket. I sat up and cried, tears freezing on my face. Like my parent's feelings for me froze


	2. Come with me?

Come with me?

It was cold outside. Worse than normal. While I was walking to the only bus stop, my trolley repeatedly getting stuck in the snow, I thought on what I was going to do. I'd everything planned out. Sort of. I'd always loved travelling and now I finally got the change to actually do it. First stop? Amsterdam. City of Tolarance and Acceptance, but most importantly, gay capital city of the world. Where could I better start my my journey than there? Where everyone would accept me as I was? Or at least most of the people. I hoped it didn't matter I couldn't speak a word Dutch, but from what I heard did most people there speak English.  
I wanted to see more of Europe, but I had no idea where I would go after Amsterdam. Maybe Paris. Or Berlin. Rome. Barcelona, Madrid. Bruxelles. Choices enough. I was young. I had one million dollar to spend and a high school diploma, so I could go to college whenever I wanted. I never had to come back here. I was free.  
I was very close to the bus stop -one corner left- when I heard someone sobbing. I took a look at my watch. 11 o'clock. Who would be on the streets this late in this cold? I realized it came from the bus stop and curiously walked closer. There it was. The source of the sound, sitting by the bus stop. It was a boy, probably fifteen or sixteen years old and crying his eyes out. I'd never seen him before, but still had the feeling I knew him. I walked up to him and sat down next to him in the snow. He fascinated me already. "Hi"

He flinched and looked up. I was looking in the most beautiful eyes ever. He was overall gorgeous. Big chocolate brown eyes, now wet with tears, and velvet brown hair I could imagine tangling my fingers in and love it. Plump lips and a fair, smooth skin. I realized who he was. A Mitchell boy. A son of the man my father hated so much. I'd no idea why, probably because of something stupid like money. I'd always been curious about the Mitchells. I mean, how bad could people be who do so much for the neighbourhood they're living in? How bad could two DOCTORS be? And what I heard about their sons wasn't all that bad either. Apparently the Mitchell brothers are really smart. I wondered which one this one was. I couldn't remember their names, was never interested enough to see who was who, but this one... Damn. I suddenly regretted it that I was leaving. Oh well, the change he was swinging my way was just too small.

"Hi" He said smothered. He quickly whipped his eyes and took my in like I'd done with him. We stared at each other for a good minute, but surprisingly the silent wasn't awkward of uncomfortable. "You're Kendall Knight" He stated. He didn't seem scared or disgustd -or whatever you should feel about someone your parents hate- like I thought he would once he recognized me. It made my heart flutter a bit. Seriously Kendall? You're crushing on a guy you just met?

"And you're... Liam?" I failed to remember anymore of their names, so I hoped this was the right one. All of their names stared with a L, like mine and Katie's started with a K, but I never took the time to remember them. Or figure out which name belonged to which brother.

He chuckled. "No, that's my brother. I'm Logan"

I smiled too. "Well, Logan. Why are you sitting here at the bus stop, crying your eyes out?" I asked curiously.

His head shot up and he looked at the bord that said 'Stop 45'. The look on his face ws quite amusing. "I'd no idea I was sitting at the bus stop" He admitted, surprised about that fact himself.

"Then why were you crying?" I asked again.

"I wasn't-" He stopped when he saw my raised eyebrow. He turned away from me and swallowed thickly. He was clearly fighting more tears. "My parents kicked me out" I was taken aback by that. This boy, probably one of the smartest people ever, was kicked out of his house? Why? Why would you kick out such a... beauty? I would never do that if he had been my kid.

I didn't want to make him tell me things he didn't want to talk about so I said the other obvious thing to say. "My parents kicked me out too" I almost smiled at the memory.

He looked at me weirdly, but his curiosity took over. "Why?"

I hesitated. Did I want to tell him that? Ah, what the heck, I was leaving here in ten minutes anyway. "I'm gay"

His eyes widened and for a moment I thought he was gonna pee his pants and run away, scared to catch aids or something. Then he turned curious again and somewhat interested, but most obivous was the blush that reddened his cheeks. "That's why my parents kicked me out too"

My eyes widened. This Logan figure, who I liked from the moment I saw him, was gay? Why was I suddenly so hopeful? It was not like I was supposed to fall for the first gay guy I met, right? But he... shit. I was really bumped I was about to leave now. "So you're saying, that we were both kicked out, on the same day -probably even the same hour- because of the same reason?" I asked incredulously.

"Uhm. It appears so" He said and smiled a half smile that made my heart melt. He shivered and I noticed for the first time he wasn't wearing a jacket.

"Why the hell aren't you wearing a coast?" I practically yelled. He flinched at hearing my voice so loud. "It's freezing out here!"

"I was kicked out remember? I didn't really have time to grab my jacket" He mumbled bitterly. He looked at my suitcase. "I wasn't as smart as you" He said and nodded to said object.

"Yeah" I muttered. I pulled the zipper of my coat down and took it off. He was eyeing me suspiciously. "Here" I said and handed it to him.

"It's yours. I can't take that. You need it" He sputtered.

"Just take it. I've another one and you have none. It would be a little cruel to let you freeze" I said.

He hesitated, but the cold got the better of him and he took it gratefully. He put it on and made himself a little smaller than he already was. He almost drowned in it now. "Thanks"

"You're welcome"

We sat in silence for a while. Not knowing what to say to someone you just met. I was looking at him again and loved it to see him in my coat. I hated it I had to leave now I finally met someone fun in this boring town and Logan meant already more to me than anyone else I'd ever met. Maybe besides Katie. He was interesting. I wanted to get to know him. "Where are you going?" He asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked confusded.

"You're sitting at a bus stop. Where are you going?"

"Amsterdam"

He smiled. "Gay capital. Good choice"

I surprised even myself with the next question. "Wanna come?"

He was shocked and stared at me with wide eyes. "I- did you... I can't"

"Why? I mean, it's not like you've anything to lose. You're just kicked out of your house and have supposedly nowhere to go. I could use a travel companion" I said.

He seemed tempted. I was glad he realized I was right, but he then shook his head. "I don't have any money. Or clothes, for that matter" He said regretful.

"I've safed about a million dollars on my bank account. I can pay for you" I shrugged. That wasn't such a big deal.

"I can't just let you pay for everything! That's just- I don't know! I don't even know you all that well. I can't accept your offer"

"I would really like it if you came with me, Logan. It's always more fun to share it with someone else" The bus was coming. "C'mon, go with me" He bit his lip while looking at the bus that came closer and stopped in front of us. He was really conflicted. It stopped and I stepped in. "Last change" I said while searching for my wallet extra slowly so he had more time.

"Alright. I'll come" He said and stepped in the moment the bus driver wanted to close the doors. "If you let me pay for our bustickets"

I rolled my eyes, but let him do it and grinned like the chesire cat. "Great"

We sat in the back of the bus. It would take a whole night before we would arrive at the airport. We spent the time talking. I told him about Katie and he told about Liam and Lucas. I noticed how much he loved his family and how he looked up to his brothers, but I guess that's normal when they're older and have accomplished so much. He seemed to regret it he couldn't be more like them, but from what he told I wasn't so sure about him being less than them. He intrigued me. He was fazinating. We talked about our favorite sports and what we wanted to do later. When the subject changed to school I almost fell of my chair when I hear his grades. I was impressed by how much he knew, about literally everything. I was very pleased to hear he could speak Dutch, something that would come in hand when we arrived in the Netherlands.

"See? You can pay me back by translating for me!" I said enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I guess" He smiled a little.

"How come you speak it? It's not like we learn it in school or something"

"I've quite a talent when it comes to languages" He mumbled. He was not happy about. I decided to not ruined the mood and go into that later.

"What can you speak then?" I was curious. Again.

"English, obviously. Dutch, French, German ehm... Spanish and Latin. I think that's about it"

"That's it?" I was yelling again. "That are six! SIX! How can you remember all that stuff? Doesn't your head explode?"

He laughed. "It's easy for me. I'm glad I can finally practise a little. I still can't pronounce the 'g' in Dutch"

"Why not?"

"It's not a gee sound, it's more like grrrr"

"That's just weird"

"I know"

We talked for hours, until we reached the airport. We stepped out and I bought us tickets to New York. From there we would go to Amsterdam.

"You need clothes" I decided. "And a suitcase" So we went shopping and passed time with trying all kinds of weird clothes. Logan insisted on buying only cheap stuff. I let him after much protesting. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. We ate and then it was time to check in and go to the gate. I stepped in the corridor that would lead me to the plane, but after a few steps I realized he wasn't following me. I turned around and saw him hesitating. "What's it?"

"I've never been this far from home before" He said.

I bit my lip and convinced myself it wasn't a good idea to tell him it was no longer his home. "Do you want to stay here?" Please say no and come with me! "I would really like it if you came with me" I heald out my hand. He hesitated. He looked over his shoulder, but then stepped forward and lay his hand in mine.


	3. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance I

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance I**

Schiphol –the airport name- was full of passengers in all sorts. Logan still had been nervous and I caught him looking at my hand several times. It was adorable how shy he was. I didn't look at him when I gripped his hand, but I could imagine him blushing furiously. I took a look around, but the people that thought we were worth looking at didn't seem freaked out by two men holding hands. God, I loved this city already. We found our suitcases and walked to the exit.

We stepped out of the airport building. And it was raining. Another thing about the Netherlands. It rains a lot. It was cold, mid winter like in Minnesota, but there was absolutely no snow. Only wetness. Everywhere. It was here five o'clock in the morning, seven hours later than in the USA. Which means we were dead tired while all the people here would get up for their day in an hour.

I saw a taxi and waved to it. "Work your magic" I said to Logan. "Tell him we want to go to the city center"

He nodded and bend over a little so he could see the man sitting behind the steering wheel. "Hallo, meneer, wij willen graag naar het centrum" He said(1). I had troubles not laughing. It was so funny.

"Natuurlijk, stap in" Said the chauffeur(2). Logan nodded and opened the door for me. We got in.

The ride to the city was silent. It was awkward to talk when someone else was around and you didn't even know each other all that well. It'd been only a day and I already saw him as a friend. A good friend, add that. It felt so natural talking to him, like I was supposed to do that. I couldn't believe we'd lived in the same village for seventeen years and had never even seen each other. Let alone talked. I knew the reason of course, my dad would have killed me if I talked to a Mitchell and I guessed it was the same for him. I chuckled when I imagined Mr. Knight finding out his 'son' was travelling in Europe with the youngest son of his biggest rival.

We arrived in the center. I saw how tired Logan was and decided to search for a hotel first. Luckily the word 'hotel' was the same in almost every language and we found one quickly. Logan checked us in, but there was a problem. "They don't have a room left with two separate beds. Should I ask for two single rooms?"

"No, just do one with a double bed" The thought of sleeping in one bed with Logan was quite hot, even if when I knew nothing would happen. Yet, hopefully. He blushed, but did anyway. The woman behind the counter didn't seem to find it weird at all and gave us a keycard. We took our luggage and went upstairs. The room was big. It had a king size bed –I couldn't help but pout about that- against the back wall and a little living room like corner with a TV and couch. The main colors were green and cream. I figured we would be able to stay here for a little while.

"I'll sleep on the couch" Said Logan when he saw said object.

"If anything I'll sleep on the couch, but we can share the bed, right? It's freaking huge!"

He blushed again. "We can't just- you know… We-"

"I won't harass you in your sleep if that's what you're insinuating?" I raised an eyebrow. His face got a few shades of red darker. It was adorable.

"Alright" He mumbled. He grabbed clean boxers and a shirt and went to the bathroom to change for the night –morning. I shook my head and chuckled softly about his prudery. I got out of my clothes and slipped under the covers. I looked up when he came in again and bit my lip. He wasn't looking at me and went to his suitcase to put his clothes away. I swallowed a gasp when he bent over and the long shirt revealed his ass. The blue boxer briefs hugged it tightly. I quickly tore my eyes away from him to stare at the ceiling when he got up and turned to me. He got in bed too, lying down on the very edge, face away from me. "Good night" He whispered.

"G'night, Logan"

**One of us~One of us**

I woke up early the next morning and watched Logan sleep for a while. He was looking extremely cute. His hair was messed up and his mouth hang open a little, but he wasn't snoring, even though he was lying on his back. I was wondering how that was possible, everyone snored when lying on his or her back!

"Stop looking at me" He mumbled suddenly.

I flinched and quickly focused on the ceiling. "I wasn't"

He peeked one eye open and grinned when he saw me naively staring away from him. "I grew up with two older brother, Kendall. I know very well when someone is watching me sleep or doing whatever when I've my eyes closed. Call it ninja little brother skills" He smiled that lop sided grin again when I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He leaned on his elbows so he could look at me.

"That doesn't have to mean I was the one looking at you" I said childish. While I was very much aware of the closed curtains and the lack of people in the room.

"Than who was it? God? Please don't tell me you're actually religious. I mean, it's not that-"

"I'm not" I assured him. The thought of church made me shiver and I was glad I didn't have to go there anymore. I had no idea if someone like God existed, but I certainly there was someone guiding us. I just had no idea who and I had my doubts about all the stories about Jesus, so I declared myself unreligious.

"Good" He fell back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. We lay in a comfortable silence for a while. "Creeper"

"I'm not! I wasn't looking at you while you were sleeping!"

"You so were!"

"Was not!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"YES! Just admit it!"

"Oh, now it's on" I grabbed my pillow and slammed it flat on his face. He was completely stunned, but he recovered quickly.

"I'm in" He said and pulled the sheets I was sitting on towards him, making me fall backwards of the bed with a loud thud. Logan laughed. I crawled up and let out a yell before attacking him with my pillow once again. Logan grabbed his and we started the pillow fight of the century. After one well placed pillow against the side of my head I surrendered and fell down on the messed up bed.

"Alright. You win"

"I know. I always win" He said, cocky grin on his face again.

"We'll see about that. I bet I can at least beat you at one thing" I said and sat up again. He was sitting cross legged against the head board of the bed with the pillow he'd been sleeping on in his lap. I had an idea again. Quite a good one.

"I'm in, once again. What do we bet about?"

"About where we're going next. Which city"

"Deal" He said immediately. He stared at me, challenging me to act. I grinned back and got closer to him, sitting next to him. He looked at me suspiciously and scooted away from me, I smirked again.

"Hey Logan" I started suggestively.

"What?" He asked uncertainly, getting away from me even further.

"Are you ticklish?"

His eyes widened, giving me my answer. "N-n-n-no" He lied. I came closer again and he swallowed thickly, sitting as still as possible.

"I want to prove that. Do you mind?"

"Go ahead" He whispered, gripping his pillow tightly.

"Oh, I will" I poked his side. He bit his lip and stared stubbronly away from me, but I felt his muscles tense up. I made feather light touches over his stomach and he let out a whimper that sounded surprisingly much like laughing. I began to use my second hand and saw his jaw trembling. He squeezed his eyes shut and desperately tried not to make a sound, but failed miserably and burst out in laughing when I attack both of his sides. He tried to get away but I held him down. When he reached his arms up to push me away I grabbed his wrists and pinned them to the bed. He struggled and laughed, but didn't get enough air to actually put up a fight.

"Stop! Stop, please stop!" He squealed.

"Definitely not" I said and continued tickling him. I pushed him back on the bed and he curled up to prevent me from touching him. It didn't work. I tickled the underside of his foot which made him stretch his legs again, so I couldn't reach there. That gave me once again perfect options on his sides and stomach.

"Alright! I loose! You win the bed! Please, Kendall. Stop it!" He begged. I did and suddenly got very aware of the position we were in. He was lying on his back, staring up at me and I was practically all over him, very close to straddling him. His face was flushed and his eyes blown wide and all I could do was look at him. The light atmosphere from only moment ago had disappeared completely, making place for tension. Good tension. I had no idea how long it lasted, but I did know that I wanted nothing more than to lean down and plant my lips on his. I was thinking deeply about what to do and was finally at the point where I thought I should just do it, when he snapped out of it and grinned nervously at me. I smiled too and released his wrist so he could get up, while cursing myself a thousand times internally for not using this opportunity.

1. Hello sir, we would like to go to the city center.

2. Of course, get in.


	4. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance II

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance II**

The rest of that day we spent talking in our room. Since we went to bed at 5 am, we were still pretty tired and it was now 4, so we couldn't really do anything anymore. It was too late to visit a museum or something now. We dressed and made a walk around the city. I loved all the water here. All the canals and little locks. I was a little sad it was winter here, but otherwise I would definitely have made a trip over it with one of those boats that were now floating useless at the sides. It was too cold to navigate on the waters. It would be freezing soon.

"Okay. Favorite color?" Asked Logan when we were sitting in the restaurant of our hotel. We'd played this game the whole day. There was so much I didn't know about Logan and I certainly wanted to know more. Much more. He was a fascinating person. I'd only known him for a less than 48 hours and I already knew more of him than I knew of my parents. I'd lived with them for almost eighteen years! I saw how devoted he was to his family. He definitely loved his parents and brothers and it was hard to see him struggling with them turning their back on him.

"Black" I said.

"How boring. Mine's yellow"

I was surprised. "Yellow? Seriously?"

"Dude, have you ever seen yellow? It's always so cheerful. This color can brighten up whole rooms"

"I guess your right… but that's the same with orange" I said thoughtfully.

"That's why it's my second favorite" He said matter-of-factly.

I face palmed. "Alright. Favorite… ice cream flavor?"

"Vanilla. Yours?"

"Chocolate"

"I hate chocolate"

I gasped. "You're kidding right?"

"No. It's just… gross. Seriously, I've no idea why everyone likes chocolate so much"

"Did you ever taste chocolate? It's like freaking heaven!"

"I did, but I just don't think it's all that good"

"You're the weirdest person ever"

"I'll take that as a compliment"

I laughed. "Favorite fast-food?"

"French fries"

"Mine too! Promise me we're going to eat them tomorrow"

He chuckled. "Sure"

"Great"

After dinner we went out again. We made another walk, this time to the Vondelpark. A small park in the middle of the city and close to our hotel. It was beautiful in the dark, with the occasional lantern lighting up the path we were walking on. We goofed off and talked some more. It was crazy how much I started to like Logan. I already liked him better than James and Carlos and I'd known those guys for years. They were great friends for me, weren't as judgmental as the rest of the village and accepted gay people. Heck, James was the one who pointed out I might be gay!

I wondered how he found out he was attracted to guys. Was it like me, realizing after dating several girls you never felt more for them then friendship? I'd dated a few girls from school. Had kissed them and even had sex with the last one, Jo, but I never found myself actually loving them. All of them made great friends, but they just weren't what I was looking for. I didn't like how capricious they were. They always wanted something different. I hated breasts. Those things just asked for trouble. I loathed the feeling of those fleshy things between me and the girl in question when we were kissing or hugging. Their asses always were too blubbery and ugly. I didn't even want to think about the v-word. Gross.

I would ask him about that later. It was way too early to go all deep on him. I would probably only scare him away and that was definitely not what I wanted. I wanted to get to know him better, see if he was attracted to me as much as I was attracted to him. I hoped he was, but I never found something that could prove that.

"Hey, how old are you?" I asked when I realized I'd no idea. Basing my assumption on how much he knew, I would say he was eighteen. What would mean he was older than me, but on the opposite side, he was really small. That didn't have to mean anything of course, but still. I decided he was at least seventeen.

"Sixteen" He said.

My eyes widened a little. "And your birthday?"

"December 28"

Our age difference was even bigger than I thought. It was today the 25th of January. That meant he'd only been sixteen for a month. "What's yours?" He asked curiously.

"February 20" I said quietly.

"And then you'll be seventeen?"

"No, eighteen" He was silent after that. I didn't really mind he was younger than me, even if I wanted to be more than friends with him. It scared me how much I liked him, how deep those feelings were already. I was falling way too quickly for him, but how could I not? We'd spent every minute of the past two days together. Normally I would go crazy when I was with someone that long, got annoyed by them quickly. That didn't happen with Logan. I'd two explanations for that. One, I just didn't know him well enough to find any things that annoyed me. Or two, I liked everything about him and there was just nothing that could annoy me. He acted much more mature for his age than other people I knew, which was why I assumed he was older than he was. It probably had something to do with how smart he was. Or that he grew up with two older brothers.

I noticed he was creating a distance between us with every step he took. I didn't know if it was on purpose or unconscious, but I didn't like it all that much. I decided to make a bold move and do something about it. Something that would immediately tell me how he thought of me.

I took a step closer and without looking at him I smoothly took his smaller hand in mine. I had to suppress a smirk when I saw him blushing out of the corner of my eyes. I stroked his knuckles with my thumb once and felt him gripping my hand tighter.

We walked back to the hotel. For me this was ending way too soon. I wanted to hold his hand longer. I swear it was the best feeling in the world. If I could hold his hand more often, I didn't mind going to hell. I wouldn't need anything anymore if I could have his hand. The blush had told me he liked this too, but that he was too shy to do anything about it. Now that I knew his real age and his reaction on holding hands, I could tell he didn't have that much experience with flirting, or relationships in general. He was uncertain and scared for it and it was oh so adorable. I fucking loved it.

The innocence waved off him, filling me with the intense need to protect him. I'd always been protective, over my friends and baby sister and those people who were a little different than the rest, but this was insane. I loved it how I was the one he depended on so much already. It was a certain pressure, because now I had to make sure I was worth his trust, but it also felt really good. I hoped I would be the one to guide him through the whole relationship thing, if he wanted me to. I already like him better than all my ex-girlfriends together, but he had to like me back to make it all work. I hoped I would be able to deal with it if he didn't like me like I liked him. I was already getting obsessed with him and I really wanted it all to work out. I didn't mind going slow, this was my first relationship with a guy too and I wanted it to last. I could imagine him being sweet and cuddly and oh so shy…

I realized that would probably my biggest enemy, his shyness. Next to his acceptance of himself, of being gay. He seemed to hate it he was attracted to guys, still not accepting himself for who he was. The reason for that were probably his parents. He must not like it very much he disappointed them so deeply they kicked him out. In my opinion, they were just not worth knowing him, but this were his parents we were talking about and I understood there was something called love for them. Even if I'd never experienced something like that with mine, I knew most of the people loved the persons that raised them. I was wondering what had to feel worse, having loving parents but losing that love the moment they find out you're gay. Or, like me, never having parents that loved you. They treated me well, gave me everything I wanted, but it was no love. What was worse? Having known love and losing it, or never experiencing it at all?

We reached the hotel, but Logan didn't let go of my hand until we got into our room. I gently pulled apart, after stroking his knuckles a last time.

"We should go to bed" He said, supposedly to break the silence.

"Why? I'm not tired yet"

"Me either, but it's eleven pm and we need to get used to this time zone. We can't keep living on American times when we're in Europe"

I sighed. "I hate it how often you're right"

He smiled and turned around to his suitcase. He grabbed some clean boxers and the shirt he wore to bed yesterday and went to the bathroom. I undressed in here, but then realized I had to brush my teeth too. I already had my hand on the doorknob, when I decided I should knock first to avoid any more awkward scenes between us.

I knocked three times. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah"

I walked in. I wasn't really paying attention and focused on brushing my teeth. Until I noticed he was no longer moving, or breathing. I then got aware of the fact I was wearing nothing boxers. I had to suppress the smug grin that was forming on my face when I caught him looking at me in the mirror. He snapped out of it and focused on brushing his teeth again, the usual blush creeping on his face. He tried to not look at me anymore, but I still caught him glancing at me a few times. Such an ego boost.

He was done faster than I and left the bathroom quickly. I rinsed my mouth and cleaned my toothbrush before going back into the room. He was already lying in bed, his face away from me. I figured he was still embarrassed, but when I walked over to my side I saw his eyes were closed and he was slowly breathing in and out. He was sleeping.

I got under the covers and watched him sleep. I hoped his 'ninja little brother skills' didn't work when he was asleep, because I couldn't tear my eyes away anymore. He was so beautiful . Most gorgeous person ever, including James and that guy was hot. I wanted to have him really badly. I needed to make more work of it. I might have to do an attempt on flirting and complementing, while taking things slow. Or, as slow as you could go with a guy that practically lived with you, spent every minute of every hour with you. My first project? Making him accept who he was. Where better to do that than in the city of acceptation?


	5. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance III

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance III**

I hadn't even noticed I'd fallen asleep. I woke up when I heard a sob coming from the person next to me. I rolled on my back and indeed saw Logan's little form shaking and trembling. I didn't like it one bit. He shouldn't be crying. He should be sleeping peacefully and dreaming about all the places we would see in Europe –or me. I moved closer to him and put a hand on his arm. He flinched and stopped crying. "It's okay. Just me" I whispered. He started sobbing again and I kept awkwardly rubbing his arm. This went on for about ten minutes and I was getting desperate. Him crying did a lot more to me than it should have. I felt so bad for him and wanted nothing more than to calm him down, but I had no idea how. Plus, my arm was getting tired.

I scooted closer hesitantly, closing the gap between us and pressing my front against his back. I first thought he was going to push me away, his whole body tensed up and he even forgot about crying. However that soon changed and he started crying again, only a little less loud and it didn't last that long. I'd kind of hoped he would cry for another few years, since I loved the position we were in, but I also felt relieved he stopped sobbing. "Thanks" He said awkwardly.

"You're welcome" I answered, already moving back to my old place on my side of the bed.

"Stay? If you want, I mean" He whispered.

I grinned widely, luckily he couldn't see it, and lay down behind him again. I suddenly felt his hand on my arm. He pulled it over his upper arm and chest. I put my fingers between his body and the mattress. He snuggled a little closer and fell asleep not long after that. I didn't follow much later.

**One of us~One of us**

When I woke up the next morning he was still sleeping in my embrace. I was lying on my back, his head next to his hand on my chest. I'd the arm he was lying on loosely on his hip. His shirt had moved up a bit and I was touching bare skin. I fucking loved it.

I decided I would act like I was asleep when he would wake up. In that way he could decide what he wanted. He could pretend like this had never happened and get out of bed before I would -fake- wake up. I really hoped he went for the second option, namely lying with me until I would -fake- woke up. We would have to deal with a little awkwardness, but it would be worth it if he stayed with me.

I was pretty sure he would go for the first one. Something that made me sad.

I'd to wait twenty minutes for him to wake up. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly in and out. He sighed and gently got out of my arms, in order to not wake me up. He stepped out of bed and I heard him going into the bathroom. I opened my eyes again and stared at the ceiling. I'd really hoped he would lie with me. It would've givin me a great way to tell him I liked him. If he'd stayed I would've known he liked me too. Now I was still in the dark about his feelings.

He came back into the room, fully dress and his hair still wet from the shower. "Hey"

"Morning" I said.

"C'mon get up! I'm hungry and we're going out today right?" He said enthusiastically.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked surprised. Such a difference if you'd seen him last night.

He shrugged. "I slept good"

Oh, that sure felt amazing. He might not know I know he'd been cuddling with me, but I did and him telling me this was... Awesome. "That's great" I smiled.

He looked at me suspiciously. "Okay..." He narrowed his eyes and then decided it was nothing. "Get up, Kendall!"

"No! Five more minutes!"

I abruptly stopped smiling. He blinked a few times and made the best puppy dog eyes ever. I'd always thought Katie made the most persuasive and effective ones, but Logan beat her by far. My mouth was hanging open and all I could do was stare. "Get up?" He asked sweetly.

It was like I was hypnotized. I nodded. He blinked another time and his eyes were normal again, or at least as normal as the most gorgeous brown eyes in the world could be. I quickly closed my mouth. "Shit. Don't ever do that again" I got up and started searching for clothes. Those eyes certainly made me do what he'd wanted from me. I was up.

"Can't promise you that. They might come in handy someday" He smiled again and turned to the couch to watch TV. Did he just flirt with me? Seriously, could this day get any better?

I got ready quickly -I really, really needed to shave tonight- and went down to eat breakfast with Logan. We took a bunch of folders with us and searched for things we could do today.

Eventually we decided on the Palace on the dam and The Amsterdam Dungeon. The last one was my choice. It was the only museum that actually interested me. Call me gross, but it's about the horrible things that happened in Amsterdam during the middle ages. It was all scary and awesome and perfect for my plans with Logan. Maybe it would even go like last night…

The Palace turned out boring. It was beautiful and all, but it was just dull and old stuff that was would've been way more interesting if it didn't smell so bad. And, the queen actually lived here part of the year, which made me feel like we were intruding someone else's home. Luckily, Madam Tussauds was right across from it and we went there. We'd fun there, especially when we started pretending to be the statue we were looking at. Logan almost peed his pants when listening to my Britney Spears impression and I was literally blown away by his impression of Jack Sparrow. That was awesome.

We went to have lunch after that. We found a little lunch room halfway between Madam Tussauds and The Amsterdam Dungeon. We talked more, until I saw Logan looking after a tall, blonde guy with a really nice ass and I couldn't help but be jealous. Not a moment later an even longer blonde guy turned up and wrapped an arm around the first guys waist. Epic.

After our lunch we walked to the other museum. I loved how you could just walk everywhere here. Our hotel was in the middle of the city, which meant it was close to almost everything that was worth seeing. We reached the Amsterdam Dungeon on time for the last show and after buying our tickets we sat in one of the carts of the rollercoaster like touring system.

I smirked while I thought of my plan and hoped it would work. This was supposed to be one of the scariest things ever and I hoped it would scar Logan so much he wouldn't mind me holding him like last night.

The complete opposite turned out to be true. Logan was laughing. That was good, of course, hearing him laugh was like hearing angels, but it wasn't what I'd wanted to happen. "Aren't you scared?" I asked while he obviously wasn't.

"No, why would I?" He asked and smiled when he watched an actor with weird stuff that was supposed to be some kind of disease on his face and hands came closer and scared the other people of our group.

"Well, I don't know. Other people seem to find this pretty creepy" I shrugged.

"I grew up with two doctors as parents, nothing scares me anymore"

I raised an eyebrow. "Nothing?"

"Here we go again. No, not nothing, just not this"

"Then what are you afraid of?" I asked curiously.

"Not gonna tell you" He mumbled and looked away. I watched his face closely, trying to see why he wouldn't tell me. He seemed hesitant, resistant and I decided to drop it. We finished the tour of the what turned out to be most awesome museum ever and walked back to our hotel.

We went back to our room and watched some TV until it was time for dinner. Dutch people ate early! Between 5 and 6 o'clock, who would eat that early? Watching TV turned out to be quite easy. I first thought that Logan would have to translate everything for me, but they showed all kinds of English shows too, with Dutch subtitles, but I couldn't live with that. We watched an old episode of Friends and Logan and I both turned out to love that show. We laughed about the same jokes and stupid comments. Eventually I found myself watching him instead of the show on TV. He was sitting with his knees up to his chest, his arms around his legs. He was smiling unconsciously. I'd never seen anything so innocent before. He was just… cute.

He suddenly looked up and blushed when he saw my eyes on him. "What?"

"Nothing, we should go downstairs to eat" I made up quickly.

He nodded and walked to the door. I didn't follow him immediately, because I was once again caught up in looking at him. His ass this time. I snapped out of it quickly and followed him before he noticed I'd been looking at him again. He was so right, I was a creeper.

We turned out eating soup. It was surprisingly good, seeing it was all green and turned out to be named pea soup. I had no idea you could make soup of peas.

"Hey Logan"

"Hmm?"

"Talk about your friends"

He stared at me, thinking deeply. "I don't have any" He said bitterly. I thought that was strange, I always thought you'd be mostly sad if you didn't have friends.

I was surprised about this. Who wouldn't want to be friends with Logan? I mean, I liked everything about him. He was fascinating. "Why not?"

"Do you think my parents would let me do anything besides studying? Do you think all the stuff I know just pops up in my head? People find it weird if you do nothing besides studying, but I didn't really have a choice with my family. The only other thing I was allowed to do next to sport was helping them with their charity work"

"So they just forced you to do all those things?" I asked unbelievably.

"No, it was not like that" He answered quietly.

"Then what was it?"

"I've two brothers, Kendall. Liam skipped three classes and had straight A's for all his subjects. He went to Harvard and is now one of the best lawyers in the United States. He's twenty-five! Lucas was a genius in math, better than his teacher in school, better than my parents together. He went to Yale and is still there to teach. I'm supposed to top that, Kendall. Or at least come close to what they've reached. But I don't have straight A's or skipped classes. I'm horrible with numbers, have literally problems with 2+2. So I studied and learned more languages than my school teaches, but if you fail at math, you won't be able to go Ivy league like my brothers did and my parents expect from me. Not that they care about what I do know. They're probably glad they don't have to worry about me ruining the family reputation anymore"

"I don't think they hate you" I said softly. "They're just disappointed"

"And that isn't much worse?"

I kept silent and looked at his face curiously. I was trying to imagine how it would be to grow up like he did.

"They were already disappointed in me. I made them hate me by telling them I like guys" His face showed no emotion, but his hand trembled. I gently put mine over his, covering it completely and stroked tenderly.

"I think that people that hate you or expect such big things from you without knowing what _you _want aren't even worth of knowing you. I know you for, like, three days? You're already the smartest and most defined person I ever met. Why would you want people that don't even like you to accept you?" I said while looking at our hands. "Wow, that didn't make sense"

"I understood" He said with a smile. "But this are my parents we're talking about. I can't just stop loving them"

"I don't love mine" I told him. I looked up to see his reaction, only to see him staring at our hands like I'd done just a moment ago.

"Why not? Your dad-"

"He's not my father"

That made him look up. "You mean as in…"

"He's not my biological father"

"So that rumor is actually true?" He asked unbelievably.

"Yeah" I smiled. "I don't really mind. I didn't like the guy anyways, so I'm glad he's not my dad. I hope my real father is a little less of an asshole, maybe someone that actually reached something and has a respectable job, instead of just inheriting everything like he did and being a jerk to everything that walks"

He smiled a little, but changed the subject. "Tell about your friends"

I grinned while I thought back to James and Carlos. They were the only reason I liked the little village we lived in and the only people I knew that were okay with homosexuality. James was the one that pointed out I might be gay in the first place.

I told them about James first. What he was like to have as a friend. James was a self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch, but he actually cared about some people and showed that by going after anyone that hurt them. He was shallow and tactless, but saw more than any other person I knew. Which was probably why he was so good at gossiping. James would go through hell for his friends.

Logan was surprised when I told him about Carlos. The Garcia was the only neutral family in our town. Officer Garcia was the head of our police station, so he didn't have that much choice. If he choose a side the hell would break loose. So the Garcia's had contact with all the people, and not only from the side they belonged too. Carlos was the oldest, and the only boy. He'd three sisters that were all younger. He was a goof ball. He could make anyone smile in a second. He was funny and lighthearted, always saw the positive side of everything and had a strange obsession with kittens. He was an amazing friend.

"They seem nice" Logan said.

"I'm planning on video chatting with them tonight. You can meet them"

"I would like that. I didn't know you brought a laptop"

We went back to the room and I took out the laptop. It was here seven pm, which meant it was noon in Minnesota. They would probably be online, since it was still winter break. I sat down on the couch and took the laptop in my lap. Logan sat down next to me, out of reach from the webcam.

Carlos immediately attacked me when my button turned green. His face appeared on the screen like he was only one inch away from the camera. "Kendall! Finally! Where are you?" He came closer again and tried to look into our hotel room. Weirdo.

He suddenly leaned back and James appeared next to him. "Hi, Kendall"

"Hi guys. In Amsterdam. For now"

"That's so awesome!" Yelled Carlos. "The whole town is in a fit! Everyone here is freaking out because you are gone! But you're not the only one! One of those Mitchell boys disappeared too!"

"Oh really?" I smirked.

They eyed me suspiciously. "Kendall, what do you know about Mitchell?" Asked James strictly.

"Nothing" I said sanctimoniously. "Oh, you've got to meet someone!" I moved the laptop a bit back so Logan would be seen too. He waved uncomfortably.

James and Carlos both screamed. "That's Mitchell!"

"Seriously? I'd no idea!" I said sarcastically. "His name is Logan, by the way"

"Kendall, did you kidnap him?" Asked Carlos seriously.

"No! I didn't! Logan decided he wanted to come with me, right Logan?"

"Yeah, I just… tag along" He smiled uncertainly.

James and Carlos exchanged looks, but said nothing about it anymore. There was an awkward silence Carlos broke eventually. "So… How's Amsterdam?" He asked.

I told them what we'd done so far, but I knew they wanted to say something about Logan being here. Logan sometimes added things to my story, but was mostly quiet. After five minutes of awkward talk he decided to go. "I'm going to take a shower. Nice meeting you, Carlos. James" He said and grabbed some of his stuff. All three of us were silent until the bathroom door closed.

"Kendall, seriously? Out of all people you could take you choose him?" Hissed James. I turned the volume down so Logan wouldn't hear.

"Shut up. I don't need your judgmental. His parents kicked him out too and I decided to take him with me" I said defensively.

"That's not what his parents tell" Said James darkly.

"What? What's happening back there?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell said that he walked away from home. They are searching for him right now, but he seemed to have magically disappeared" He said sarcastically.

"That's not true! I found him crying his eyes out at the bus stop. His parents kicked him out because he's gay. Like mine did with me. And of course he disappeared, everything is on my name. Flight tickets, the hotel, everything. There's no way they will find them if they only search the area around our town. What did my parents tell everyone about me?"

"Your dad says you're at a boarding school out of the country"

"It doesn't surprise me"

"Shit Kendall! His parents want him home again and now we know where he is!"

"Well, don't tell anyone!"

"Shouldn't you ask him what he wants?" Asked James sharply.

"I don't want him to go, okay!" I almost yelled. I was glad Logan was already under the shower and didn't hear me. "I like him"

"You can't just keep him there because that's what you want!"

"I know I should tell him, but I don't want him to go yet. Please, don't tell anyone he's with me? I'll tell him eventually, I promise" I just needed a chance with him before he left.

"Kendall, my dad is already asking questions. It has been three days and he isn't found yet. In most cases that can mean two things: one, he's dead on the bottom of the lake, or two, SOMEONE kidnapped him and is using him for whatever!" Carlos said heated.

"Well, neither is true, is it? I would never do that!"

"Yeah, we know that, but my dad won't be that considerate when he finds you with him! Plus, the Mitchells will sue you. This is can end bad for you too, Kendall"

"Look, I just need a chance, okay? Give me a week and then he'll tell you what he wants. Please, guys?"

James was pulling his hair and Carlos sighed. "Fine. One week. And he has to tell us what he wants, not you. And If you didn't tell us before the 2nd of February, I'll tell my dad where he can find Logan"

"I love you guys, thank you"

Carlos shook his head unbelievably. "You must seriously like him"

"I do. Now, shut up. He doesn't need to know yet" I looked at the bathroom door nervously, but Logan was still in the shower.

"Shit. I seriously don't like this, Kendall. You know what happens when people find out you two are together? There will be war!" James said.

"Then don't tell anyone! You're the only ones that know, besides us. Just don't talk about it to anyone. And tell me what happens back there, okay?"

"Sure. You owe us big time, Kendall"

"I know. Thanks again"

"Alright. You go capture the guy of your dreams. Update us too, by the way" Carlos smirked.

"Will do. Bye"

"Bye"

I turned offline and close the laptop. A week. I had one week to convince Logan to stay with me instead of going home. He would be pissed when I told him what I knew about his parents, especially after what he told me during dinner. He wanted nothing more than to get back to his parents. To know that they still want him. But I wanted him too. More than I ever wanted anything else in my life.

I sighed and leaned back on the couch. I'd thought I wouldn't have to rush this. Neither of us had to go home and I could just my sweet time to find out if he liked me too and start my first relationship with a guy, but it couldn't be that simple. Of course not. "Shit…"

I paced through the room while I waited for Logan to get out of the bathroom. I wasn't calm enough to sit, I had to come up with a way to 'capture' Logan before it was too late. But I couldn't come up with something. Always when you desperately need a plan, it seems like your brain turns off and goes on a vacation or something. I hated it. I was normally quite good with plans, but of course my brain wouldn't help me when I really needed it. I wanted Logan so bad and I was so scared of losing him before I even had a chance I couldn't think anymore.

Logan opened the door and came out in nothing but his boxers. Of course. This really wasn't helping me. No, this just made my problem ten times worse. He wasn't looking at me and searched in the closet for a shirt he could wear. He was absolutely gorgeous. I kept looking at him until he pulled the shirt over his head. I quickly walked past him into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I looked down and groaned. Seriously? Just by looking at him?

I got into the shower and wrapped my fingers around my erection. I jacked myself off slowly, but it still ended in the quickest orgasm ever, whimpering Logan's name. See how obsessed I am?

After my shower I finally shaved, but I was so distracted I cut myself three times. I finished up and went back into the room where Logan was watching TV.

"How was the talk with your friends?" He asked without looking away from the TV.

"They were a little… hesitant about you coming with me" I said slowly. "Especially James"

He nodded. "I liked them, for what I know about them"

I smiled and sat down next to him. We watched some more TV until it was time to go to bed. We each got in on our own side of the bed. "Good night, Logan"

"Night" He whispered and turned on his side, away from me.

That's when I remembered something. "Hey, Logan?"

"What?"

"Why… why were you crying last night?" I asked softly.

He was silent for a long while and I thought he must have fallen asleep already, but then I got my answer. "Homesickness"

_Oh, I'm screwed._


	6. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance IV

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance IV**

Five days had past and Logan and I had visited more things in Amsterdam. I'd decided where I wanted to go next, because Logan kept asking me about it. I wanted to go to Berlin, but doubted if he would go with me once I told him about his parents. I still hadn't made a move. I had no idea how I should make a move. Or when. Or what to do. Or if he wanted it. I only had found one thing that might sign he liked me back. After the night he cried he came to cuddle with me every night. Always when he thought I was asleep he scooted over and placed his head on my chest, only minutes later he would be fast asleep. So, I played his game and pretended to be asleep earlier and up later so he could sneak out before I woke up. It was so cute I didn't mind keeping my mouth if it made him continue what he was doing.

The hand holding continued too, but only when I took his hand and not the other way around. That could be because he was shy or he because he liked the comforting gesture or because he just didn't want to turn me down. At the moment I thought the second was true, since he seemed to genuinely like me as a friend, but I couldn't help but think that it also could be the third. That would mean he just didn't want to hurt me and felt like he had to do it because I was paying for everything or something.

I was afraid of that. That maybe, he would only be with me because of that. To please me or something. To pay me back somehow. I hoped that would never be the reason he would be with me, if that ever happened.

Apart from the hand holding, he'd returned a few hugs I'd given him, but that was about it. Since our little tickle fight I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but every time I got the chance I just let it pass. There was this time when he almost fell and I caught him just in time –the streets here get slippery when it rains and freezes all the time in the winter. And another time when we bumped into each other when I walked out of the bathroom and he wanted to go in and we both weren't paying attention.

James and Carlos had updated me daily about what happened back home. I didn't have that much to tell them, because NOTHING HAPPENED. And I blamed myself. It was pretty bad back home. Mr. Mitchell accused my father of kidnapping Logan and I couldn't help but feeling that that was a tiny little bit true. He just picked the wrong Knight. Of course my parents didn't let this go easily and fought back, making the whole town even more hateful towards each other. There had been some tiny fights between neighbors and a very unfriendly basketball game between the two schools our village had. Carlos told me his father and his team were still looking for Logan and were now starting to connect my disappearance to his. They'd been asking questions to my father, but apparently he had everything planned out. He actually signed me in for some school in Canada. The principal of that school was a man that owed a lot to my dad and lied gladly for him. Carlos knew this, because he knew where I really was. Having a friend who's father is a cop can be pretty useful.

But how could someone be this oblivious? I mean, I was pretty obvious with my obsessed crush, wasn't I? I even told him once I liked him. I literally told him that. But no, Logan goes around and thinks I mean it in a friendly way. I was this close to strangling him.

Katie had mailed me. She missed me like crazy and I missed her too. She was my baby sister after all and even if she didn't really need me, I still had the urge to look after her. Which I couldn't do now. She told me mom was pretty upset I was gone and that she and my father haven't talked ever since I left. I didn't really mind. Mom had been great to me, whenever my dad wasn't around. I couldn't stand that, only when he wasn't around she could be affectionate with me. It made me feel like I was second choice, which I probably was, but she have to make me aware of that.

Today Logan and I would go to Artis, a zoo. I hoped this would turn out better than The Amsterdam Dungeon. I mean, a zoo was pretty romantic right? And Logan seemed pretty excited for it, so I hoped I would be able to make my more today. I couldn't wait any longer. I needed to know if he liked me back, before he went home. I certainly shouldn't tell him about his parents before I told him I liked him, because he would leave without a second thought and my trip would be ruined. I already knew that if Logan went home, I wouldn't finish my journey. I would go back to the States and live on my own for a while, try to keep contact and get him back. I really didn't want that, I already knew my life would be pretty miserable if that happened.

I felt Logan stir in his sleep and quickly closed my eyes to pretend like I was sleeping as I did always. I hated it when he woke up, it felt too good to have him close. We were lying chest to chest, my arm around his waist and his face in the crook of my neck. He sighed and pulled away from me, lying on the other side of the bed. I wondered what that sigh meant. Was it a I-don't-want-to-go-but-I'm-scared sigh or a I-really-should-stop-doing-this sigh? I was tending to the last one, since he always left the moment he woke up. I began to think he only cuddled with me so he wouldn't feel alone.

I waited four and a half minute –I counted the seconds- before I opened my eyes. "Hey" I said when I saw him lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

He turned to me and smiled brightly. "Morning"

"You look happy" I stated and grinned back.

"I'm looking forward to the zoo. Get up, I don't want to be late" He said and got out of bed himself.

I glanced at the clock on the wall. "Logi-an, it's eight thirty, don't you think it's a little early?" I almost slipped up. I saw him looking at me curiously, but said nothing about it. He didn't even blush. Damn it.

"I know, but you take really long showers and we need to have breakfast too before we go. It's a ten minute walk and it opens at ten, so if we get up now, we'll be able to get there before it gets busy" He said all in one breath. I smiled about his eagerness, it was cute. "Don't make me use the eyes" He threatened, making my smile even bigger.

"Alright, I'm up. Do I really take long showers?"

He shrugged. "You did the last four days"

I choose not to answer to that. It was his own fault. I couldn't help it that he always showered before I did and then would come out of the bathroom half naked, with water from his hair still dripping on his shoulder. That caused problems for me, you know. A certain problem I had to take care of while I was under the shower, otherwise he would hear and know about it. Which wouldn't turn out okay for me.

"I'll just shower tonight" I said. He smiled at me and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When I was done with my morning ritual I checked my mail. I had one from Carlos.

_Kendall,_

_My father gave up searching for Logan in the area around the village. He's requesting everyone that may know something to tell him. I can't keep this up much longer, especially since I met Dr. and Dr. Mitchell yesterday. They want there son back. His brothers are back too, both of them volunteered in the search party. Whatever you want, make it happen soon. –CG_

I sighed and put the laptop on the bed next to me. I wished I never contacted James and Carlos. I didn't want to know all this. If I didn't know, I wouldn't feel guilty about keeping Logan with me while I knew he missed his parents. I'm just straight evil. He'll never want me once he found out. "Shit…"

No, I wasn't going to think of it. I was going to make one amazing day and then I would tell him tonight. Deciding this made me nervous, but also excited. If it turned out he liked me back, I wanted to make most of this evening and the next day. Then I would tell him about his parents. That meant I'd one whole day with him before he had to decide. I could live with that. One day wasn't much, but it was more than I ever had or wanted in my life.

I heard a bleep, signaling I got another e-mail. I frowned, but decided to look at it later. Logan came out of the bathroom. "Shall we go?" He asked.

I nodded. "Why don't we eat something on our way there? Eating here every day is kinda boring"

"Sure" He smiled.

We went out of the hotel, when we passed a bakery we bought some donuts for now and later in the park. We entered the zoo and I bought our tickets. It wasn't busy yet, like Logan predicted. The first thing we saw were monkey. Those with a red butt.

We laughed when one of them started chasing the other and Logan decided to be funny. "That one looks a bit like you, Kendall" He teased.

"Yeah, and the one being chased looks like you"

"How come?"

I raised an eyebrow and took a step towards him, he got the hint and started running away from me. I'd no idea he was so fast! We were lucky there weren't that much people here yet, now the chance we would bump into someone was a little smaller. I tried to keep up at him and after a while he began to lose speed. He was clearly only fast on short tracks. He noticed I was coming closer and tried to run faster, a little too late. One second later I could wrap my arms around his waist. He stumbled back a bit, but I caught him easily. "Got'cha" I whispered in his ear. He chuckled and turned around so he could hug me back. He put his head on my shoulder while we tried to catch our breath.

He looked up at me when we were calmed down. "I don't really think you look like a monkey" He said and pulled away.

"Why thank you. This is the best compliment I've ever gotten. I don't look like a monkey! Yes!"

He laughed and we started walking again. We passed the beavers and penguins and decided to look at a map to see where we were now and where we wanted to go. "Sea lions are close" He said and waved at some place left from us. "Over there"

I nodded and we went to the basin. They were fun to watch, there were two smaller ones that were playing with each other. I noticed a path that led to some stairs. I pulled Logan to it and we walked down. Behind the door was a huge glass wall. We could now watch them under water. I was surprised how fast they swum, they didn't even more their fins. After watching them for a while we followed the corridor until we reached another door, which gave access to a hall. There were a few information panels about the sea lions and Logan started reading them. It was all in Dutch, so I wasn't even going to try. I saw an opening in the wall with rubber strips in front of it. I pushed them aside and looked inside. "Logan, come see this!" I said excitedly and stepped inside. It was seriously beautiful.

Logan put his head inside. "Kendall, I don't think-"

"We're allowed to be here. Look" He looked up and then he saw it too. Butterflies. It was a garden filled with all different kinds of butterflies. He grinned and came in too. We took a few steps inside and then had to stop for a big yellow butterfly that flew by.

Since it was so early we were the only ones here and it was really quiet, apart from the flowing water. Another huge butterfly passed, purple this time and Logan stared after it in awe. I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers. I smiled when he blushed.

We made a walk around the garden, seeing much more butterflies. I really liked the big orange ones, with spots looking like eyes on their wings. Logan loved the little baby blue butterflies. One of those landed on our intertwined hands, on the back of Logan's hand. He noticed it too and carefully moved our hands up, successfully keeping the butterfly on his hand. He examined it closely. It was feeling his skin with his little legs and slowly fluttering his wings. It suddenly flew up again, making Logan pout.

He wanted to move our hands down again, but I held them up. I leaned down and kissed the place the butterfly just left, never breaking my eye contact with Logan. I couldn't read the look in his eyes, something that made me nervous. Did he want this or not? He was eyeing me curiously, waiting for what I would do. I took my lips off his hand and stood in front of him. He looked up at me and was blushing again, but somehow wasn't able to look away from me. I stared back and slowly moved our hands down again. I leaned in and thought I was finally able to do what I'd wanted to do for days, when a butterfly decided it would be funny to land on my nose. A light blue one, of course. I felt like crying.

Logan chuckled and grabbed the camera we bought a few days ago from my bag. He took a picture from me with the butterfly on my nose. I so didn't want a picture from the stupid animal that decided to ruin my perfect moment to kiss Logan. It would've been perfect. Where would you rather have your first kiss with a guy than in a beautiful garden surrounded by hundreds of butterflies?

I was busy fighting tears when we walked out again. This was so unfair. Logan didn't notice and told me about the animals we passed. I tried to listen, but it took me about twenty minutes before I really started to pay attention to what he said. I was glad he didn't let go of my hand, that would only have made my horrible day even worse.

We went into the reptile house and stayed here for a while, watching the smaller animals. Although, not all of them were small. There were two huge turtles, both reached my waist, and three immense snakes, with bodies as thick as my thigh. I shuddered at the thought of one of those snakes around my neck. I was really glad they were behind glass.

This was fun, but not nearly as great as the butterfly garden had been. I would hate those little fluttering flies forever. Stupid kiss wreckers.

Across from the reptile house was another monkey exhibit. We sat down on a bench and watched them play while we ate the other donuts. One of the monkey was carrying a baby around. It was really cute. Baby monkey looked so much like baby humans. Only they had a little less hair.

After lunch Logan didn't take my hand again and I didn't try to hold it. This was so not going how I wanted to have it. I blamed the butterfly.

We spent the rest of the day walking around, talking and goofing off. We saw every single animal around here. At four, there was only one thing left. The aquarium. We went into the old building and followed the other people to were the fish were. It was actually kinda cool. I always thought fish were cold and slippery, but with these colors and all they were pretty awesome. There were a lot of odd shaped fish and other little animals that lived in the water. Turtles, shrimp with really large antennae, lobsters, huge crab fish, seahorses, sharks and a octopus. That one was fun.

We were back at the hotel at five and I was getting really nervous. I had to tell Logan. I couldn't wait any longer, but I was so scared. It would've been so much easier if the moment in the garden wouldn't have been ruined. I would just have kissed him and then everything would be simple. He kissed back or he pushed me away. Either way, it everything would've been cleared up without a word and we would never have to talk about it again. Or be very happy together.

"Come watch the movie with me, Kendall" Said Logan. I turned my head up. I'd been looking at pictures of us on the camera, swooning over how good Logan always looked. There's one picture I like particularly much. It's on of us together. I'd my arm over his shoulder and was smiling at the camera while Logan was looking up at me. I didn't notice when the picture was made, but I sure did now. It was made yesterday, minutes after we left the Anne Frank House. "Kendall?"

"What? Yes, I'm coming" I said quickly and jumped up from the bed to sit next to him. "What are we watching?"

"Tangled"

"Seriously?" I asked him amused.

"It's funny!" He defended himself.

I laughed and casually put an arm around his shoulders. "I know. I watched it with Katie" And a million times after that, but he didn't need to know that. I secretly liked the movie a little bit too much.

He chuckled and then focused on the tv again. He didn't seem to mind my arm, so I just kept it around his shoulders. No, he certainly didn't mind, he even snuggled closer to me like he did at night. It might be because he felt cold, but even if you were cold you didn't lean against everybody. Hmm…

I found myself unconsciously singing along with the songs, which was embarrassing when Logan heard it, but he couldn't really tease me with it because he also knew all the lyrics of the songs. Heck, he remembered everything that was said and I thought his impression of Flynn/Eugene was great.

Until I heard him sing along with Rapunzel.

He could sing? What couldn't he? I was really quiet and listened to him singing. I decided he sounded better than Mandy Moore and Zachery Levi. He should've just done the whole movie instead of them. I bet people would love the movie even more if they could listen to his voice for ninety minutes. I would.

After the movie we went down to eat. We had a brief conversation with the manager, about how long we were going to stay here, and then went back upstairs again. Logan was in the bathroom, about to take a shower like always and I was lying on the bed, thinking about what to tell him. I still hadn't done it. There were only 4 hours of this day left. Maybe I could use the American time zone… That would give me seven more hours. But now, that would be cheating. Carlos wanted his answer tomorrow.

Oh, that's right. I got mail. I took the laptop out of my suitcase and turned it on. I opened my inbox. It was an unknown e-mail address. I frowned and opened it, figuring it was spam. It was a simple question. Two words, only.

_-Where's Logan?-_

My heart started beating fast and I glanced at the bathroom door -I did that a lot, not good. Who was this? How did he know? I opened Skype and was relieved to see Carlos was online.

"Carlos, did you tell anyone about Logan?" I hissed softly to the laptop.

"What? No! Why?" He asked shocked. "I gave you till February 2, remember?"

"Someone sent me a e-mail, he wanted to know where Logan was"

"I didn't tell anyone! I swear! James didn't either, he would never tell anyone about you"

"Than who was it? Does your dad have a clue yet?"

"No, but Logan is now officially a missing person. Did you make your move yet?"

"No, I didn't. I had the perfect moment today, but it got ruined by a butterfly" I growled.

Carlos raised his eyebrows. "I don't even want to know. Why don't you just answer that mail, see what that person says?"

"You're right. I'll do that. Thanks, buddy"

"You're welcome. Two days left, Kendall. Keep that in mind. And tell me what that person answered!"

"I will. Bye"

"Later"

I closed the conversation with Carlos and went back to my inbox.

_-Who are you? And who's Logan?-_

I waited impatiently for an answer. I was really scared right now. What was happening here? Luckily –or not- the respond came quickly.

_-I'm far from dumb, Kendall Knight. You and my little brother disappear on the same night? Not a coincidence. Tell me where he is, we miss him. We want him home-_

I felt really guilty right now, but was still curious who I was talking to. Liam or Lucas? So I asked him.

_-Liam or Lucas?-_

Before he could answer I got another e-mail. I was popular today. I thought it had to be from Carlos, wanting to know what's happening, but it was from ' unknown' again. Another unknown. This was getting really creepy. How many people knew my e-mail address? I really had to be a little more careful on the internet. Then again, the Mitchell brothers were geniuses. They would probably find the phone number of the president in three seconds. My e-mail address wasn't a big deal for them. I opened the mail and froze.

_-Kendall Knight, whatever you do, don't let Logan go home. My parents don't want him back, they're going to send him to a straight camp. I'll explain more later. Don't answer Lucas. Liam Mitchell-_

And I thought I was screwed five days ago.


	7. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance v

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance V**

Alright. Now what?

I thought about that question for a while. What was I going to tell him? The truth, obviously. The whole truth, not only why his parents wanted him back, but also why I didn't tell him they were looking for him and that I liked him so fucking much it hurt to look at him. I had to. I didn't have a choice anymore.

How would he react when I told him about what his parents were planning on doing to him when he would come home? I didn't really have much time to think about that, since I couldn't hear the water of the shower running, signaling he wasn't in the shower anymore and he would come out soon.

I was getting pretty nervous now. The whole day I'd been preparing myself to tell him I liked him, but now I didn't only have to tell him that, but also that his parents wanted to send him to a straight camp. How cruel is that? I wanted this to be a happy night, that he would tell me he liked me back. Not ruining it all by telling him his parents didn't want him. Or when he didn't like me back, make this night even worse by telling him that. This was so not what I wanted.

The bathroom door opened and Logan came out. It took a lot to not look at him. If I would do that, I would get my usual little problem and I didn't really have time for jacking off right now. I wanted to get this over with quickly.

"What's wrong, Kendall? You look worried"

I looked up and saw him standing by the closet, pulling a shirt over his head. I sighed in relieve, that made things a lot easier. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I have to tell you something"

"Okay" He said hesitantly, confused. I heard him coming over and sitting down next to me on the couch. I opened my eyes to see his curious and worried ones right next to me, closer than I'd thought. But somehow he was always closer than I thought.

"There have been some things going on back home" I said softly.

He didn't seem surprised. "That's normal, right? I disappear, you disappear, both our parents have to lie about where we went and the people are making up rumors. No big deal"

I shook my head. "That's not completely it" I said softly.

"Than what?" He asked worriedly. "Kendall, you're kinda freaking me out here"

I couldn't look at him and thought my shoes were way more interesting. "You're parents are looking for you" I said softly, still eyeing my blue vans.

"Really?" He asked happily. "That's great! Now I can go back home!"

I turned my head up to look at his face. He looked so happy. I wished I could make him that happy, maybe he would then rather stay with me instead of going home. "Wait" He said suddenly. "How long have you known this? Did you get a mail from James or Carlos or something when I was under the shower? Oh! You did get a mail this morning, right? I heard the beeping"

It was very tempting to just tell him I got it this morning. But with lying to him I wouldn't get anywhere. I already lied to him too much. Besides, if I told him I got it this morning and I would show him the e-mail's I got from Lucas right after, he would notice that the e-mail I received this morning came from him and not from his parents. I looked back at my shoes, I didn't want to see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes. "I know for five days now" I whispered.

I instantly felt the couch cushion rising a little. He'd gotten up and was now standing in front of me. "And you didn't tell me? You know I was homesick. You know I wanted to go back! Why cant you just let me be happy?" He said angry tears glistening in his gorgeous eyes when I looked up to see how he was reacting. Next to anger I could also see pain and betrayal.  
"I know what I did and I'm so sorry. But this wasn't all. Please listen to me, Logan"  
"I don't have to do anything for you. I want to go home. You lied to me, Kendall, how could you do that?"  
"Because I- Just listen to me" I begged.  
"Why would I listen to a liar that probably only took me to sell me as a slave somewhere to get more money! I don't even know why I ever liked you!" He yelled angrily. "I can't believe you would do this to me, I thought you were a friend" He whispered, making me see he was truly hurt by what I did. More tears appeared and some slipped out of his eyes down his cheeks.  
But I only heard one thing he said. He liked me? Was that really _liked_, as in he had liked me in the past? Or did he still like me? I pondered about this and totally forgot it was my turn to say something. I realized that I'd been staring at him for quite a while now. He was glaring back at me and I couldn't stand the look of disgust and something close to hatred. I bit my lip and was fought back tears. This was worse than him not liking me back. I probably could survive with him being just my friend, but this…

And that's when I decided what I was going to do next. If I couldn't have him I at least wanted to know what it would be like to kiss him. I got up and slowly walked towards him. He looked at me weirdly and had clearly no idea what I was planning on doing. I took a final step, invading his private space. His breath hitched and he started backing up. I took a step for every step he took back until his back hit the wall and he couldn't get any further back. He stared at me, still with that fury and betrayal in his eyes, but now I could also see fear. An emotion I didn't like much either.  
I placed my hands on his hips, loving the whole feeling already. He was in shock and was completely frozen under my touch. I looked in his eyes, begging him to let me do this. To let me kiss him. I wanted it so badly, but it would only be good if he liked what I was doing. The brown orbs turned hard, as if they'd somehow frozen, and he shook his head. "Let go of me" He snapped.

I stepped back and closed my eyes, feeling tears coming up. He walked past me and started to pack his suitcase. I watched him for a while, knowing he wouldn't be so eager to get home once I told him about what Liam told me. I hoped he would magically change his mind and realize I was what he'd been looking for, that he liked me back and wanted to be with me instead of going home. Such a beautiful daydream.

I had to tell him now. If he'd liked me back this would've been so much easier. I wouldn't have to tell him, because he would stay here for _me_ and not because he had to hide for his parents. "I hoped you would stay with me because you liked me" I started to say quietly. "Because I like you. So fucking much, Logan. And I would've let you gone home, but-"  
"But what? You're going to force me to stay with you? I'll just contact my parents or one of my brothers to come and get me"  
"I know. And I won't stop you if you want to get away from me. Heck, I'll even pay for you. But I'm not letting you go home"  
"Well. I'm going home. Deal with it. And please do me a favor and try to stay away from me" All his clothes were in the suitcase and he tried to close it.  
Some of the tears I'd in my eyes slipped at hearing his harsh words. I didn't even try to hide them. "You should read this first" I whispered. "It's from your brother"  
His head snapped up and he narrowed his eyes at me. I gestured to the laptop and sat down on the couch, watching how he went over and clicked on the mail from Liam. I watched his expressions change. He was confused, I saw his eyes shifting over the lines again and again. He suddenly looked up at me, fear evident.  
"What does he mean? Don't answer Lucas?" He asked quietly.  
I went over and took the laptop from him. I bit my lip to hold a sob back that formed in my throat when my hand touched his and I felt the usual spark, something that meant nothing to him. He probably didn't even feel it.  
I clicked on the conversation and turned the screen to him. I, again, watched him closely while he read it. When he was done he got up and walked over to the bed, falling down on his back. He was stared at the ceiling. I would give a kidney for his thoughts.

I watched while I let the tears run freely down my face. I wanted him so badly, but he turned me down. I would need some time to get over this, but I didn't want him to go away from me. He was not only my love interest, but also a friend. I didn't want to loose him.  
"Thank you" He suddenly said. He looked up at me. "In some twisted way you prevented me from being sent to a straight camp"  
"So you forgive me for lying to you?" I asked hopeful. If he forgave me, I still made a chance. I still had no idea if he _had_ liked me or _still_ liked me, but he was really upset with me right now. Another option crept into my mind. He could also mean he 'liked' me, as a friend…  
"No. You still kept me away from what I wanted most at that moment. If you'd told me and let me go back I would've a little... respect left for you. Only to hate myself for going back home later, when I would be on my way to that camp"  
"Oh" I said quietly.  
It was silent for a while, both of us deep in thought. "I don't know what to do know" He sighed. He was crying to, but for completely different reasons. He was crying because for three minutes, he'd been in the assumption he could go home. That his parents missed him and wanted him, like they wanted his brothers.

That while I was crying from a broken heart. I wanted nothing more than to comfort him, ease that pain he was feeling a little, but I couldn't. He probably wouldn't let me be close to him now he knew I liked him and I just wasn't able to comfort him while I had pain of my own. Pain that was mainly caused by him turning me down, but also pain caused by myself. If I'd just made my move earlier, he might have been my boyfriend right now. Maybe he wouldn't have hated me then. Maybe he would've stayed with me then, because he liked me and wanted to stay with me rather than with his parents.  
"You can always stay with me?" I told him quietly.  
"Kendall..." He began.  
"I know you don't like me back. I know… and I promise I won't try anything if you don't want it. Just give me some time to get over this and I'll settle for just being your friend. I don't want you to go" I said with pain in my heart. What the hell was I going to do now? Giving up on him and trying to move on, find another guy that I'll probably leave when we move on to the next country? I already knew it wouldn't be that easy to get over him. _If_ I would ever get over him.  
"Do you mind if I think about it for a while?" He asked uncertain.  
"No. That's fine" I said immediately. Thinking meant time. Time with Logan was good. He smiled sadly at me and went back to staring at the ceiling. "Logan?" I asked softly.  
"Yes?"  
"Can I asked you something?"  
"Yeah"  
I kept quiet and thought about what I was going to say. "When you said you liked me... Did that mean you did like me, as in you liked me in the past, before I told you any of this or was it liking me as a friend?"  
He didn't answer me for quite a while. "The first" He admitted quietly. "I'm sorry, Kendall"  
"It's fine" I whispered, trying to hide the pain and regret as much as possible. "If I didn't want to know I shouldn't have asked"  
He nodded. I sat there for a while, regretting all the times I let a chance to kiss him pass. After ten minutes I couldn't hold back anymore. I got up and ran to the bathroom. When I closed and locked the door I didn't stop myself from crying anymore. I slipped down the door and sobbed quietly. The heartache was almost unbearable. I wanted him so badly. He was so perfect. I wanted to hold his hand more. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to kiss him and care for him. I wanted to call him mine and fall in love with him. I wanted to cross Europe with him and possibly even further, to Africa and Asia. But even staying here for the rest of our lives would be fine. As long as I was with Logan and he wanted me it didn't really matter. But that wouldn't happen. He didn't longed for me as I longed for him. Logan would never let me hold his hand anymore. He wouldn't cuddle with me at night anymore when he thought I was asleep. I loathed myself for not having the guts to kiss him when I had the chance.

And I had had loads of chances. On our first night here, when we had the tickle fight. The times we bumped into each other and I had to catch him so he wouldn't fall. That time where he fell because of the eyes and I caught him again, holding him so that it was almost impossible for me not to kiss him. Or today in the butterfly garden. I should just have brushed that stupid butterfly away and kiss him like me life depended on it.

I got up from the floor and turned on the shower, putting it really hot. I undressed and stepped under it. The hot water burnt my skin and made me forget about Logan for a few minutes, until I got used to it. The tears that poured down my face felt cold compared to the water from the shower. I got out again and looked at myself in the mirror until my red skin got blank again. I'd never stopped crying and the tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I could only see pain in my green eyes and shook my head before pulling on my boxers, sweat pants and t-shirt. I got out again and saw Logan staring at the tv. "You can go" I said quietly, making him look up at me. He pulled a face and I turned my head away. I didn't have to see his pity. I suddenly felt his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I hugged him back and started sobbing again.  
"I'm so sorry" He mumbled. "I just… don't want to be with you. It doesn't feel good. You're an amazing friend, though"  
I hold onto him tightly and drenched his shirt in my tears. He rubbed my back soothingly.  
He let go of me after a while and stepped back a little. "I'm going to take a shower" He said softly.  
I nodded and looked at the ground. I felt him hesitating and then his lips were on my cheek. He kissed me softly and before I could understand what was happening he'd turned around and closed the door of the bathroom behind him.  
I felt the kiss still lingering on my cheek and brought my hand up to touch the place his lips had touched. I couldn't stop myself from crying again.  
This kiss was all I would ever get. I wanted so much more, but it would never become more than this.  
I dragged myself to the closet and pulled out the spare blanket that was kept there for cold nights. I went to the couch and lay down on it pulling the blanket over me and turning so that I was facing away from the bathroom door. I probably cried myself to sleep, because I never heard him coming out of the bathroom.


	8. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance VI

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance VI**

When I woke up the next morning, I had no idea why I was sleeping on the couch. That was until all the things that happened yesterday boiled up in my head. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks while I thought of yesterday. How could something that started out so good have gone so terribly wrong?

9 days. That was all Logan needed to make me fall for him completely. At first, I'd thought I would've plenty of time to figure out if I liked him and if he liked me back. When that was out of the way, we could've started something we didn't have to rush, because no one was waiting for us. We were alone. We had time. We literally had the world at our feet and we could've done anything.

But then Carlos and James tell me Logan's parents are looking for him and everything I'd hoped for shattered in front of my eyes. I had only a week to find if Logan liked me. Then we could start working on something, while I tried to get him to like me as much as possible. At last, I would've to tell him about his parents, but hopefully I would've gotten him so far he wanted to stay here with me.

And then everything again blew up in my eyes. I didn't have the courage to tell him I liked him. I waited five whole days before I finally decided on telling him. I would've never been able to persuade him in staying with me in two days. That's just impossible. I probably would just have made the most of those two days, hold him and kiss him as much as possible.

Now, I finally got the time I wanted, but I couldn't do anything with it. Logan didn't like me. He didn't even know if he wanted to stay with me yet. I hoped he would. Then maybe, if he cooled down enough and trusted me again, I could try to flirt a little. Try to get him to like me again.

Before I got too hopeful I shook that thought off again. No, Logan wouldn't like me again. I had to try and get over him like I told him I would. I just had to settle for being friends with him. It's all I got. All I would ever get. And it would be a lot less painful for me.

Not that this wasn't painful for Logan, because it was. I was heartbroken, not stupid. I understood very good why he turned me down and he made the right choice. It must hurt him too that someone he liked lied to him about something he wanted very much. It's a terrible thing to do and I had just been to selfish to care. On top of that comes that his parents want to send him to a straight camp once they found him. That was quite a stab in the back.

I sat up and looked over at Logan. He was sleeping, tears tracks still on his cheeks and his closed eyes a little red. I swallowed back some sobs and fell back on the couch, the back rest effectively hiding Logan from me. I wanted to comfort and sooth him, but I just wasn't able to when I was crying myself. I can't say 'It'll all be okay again' when I personally think nothing will ever be okay again. I don't want to lie to him anymore.

I would give myself a day. One day where I was allowed to cry as much as I wanted. From tomorrow on I would suck it up and help him forget about his parents. I'll find other moments to cry. Like in the shower. It didn't look like I would have to do much else in there anymore. Or when he was asleep. I hoped he wouldn't mind if I slept in the same bed as him. If I slept another night on the couch I would get a hernia.

I whipped the tears away, knowing they wouldn't stay away for long and sat up again. I had to tell James and Carlos what happened. I was sure they would let Logan stay here when I told them what his parents wanted to do. And I could use some friends right now. I reached out for the laptop that was on the ground and set it in my lap. I sent James and Carlos the mails Liam and Lucas sent me, to prove to them I wasn't lying, before opening a new message and started writing.

_Liam Mitchell sent me a message, telling me his parents only want Logan back to send him to a straight camp. After I got that I told Logan. He wasn't really happy, of course. I told him he could stay with me, he's thinking about that now. You're okay with that, right? I don't want to send him home when his parents are going to this to him.-KK_

_PS. Carlos, that message I got yesterday from an unknown person, was from Lucas Mitchell. He wanted me to tell where Logan was so he could bring him home to his parents, I got that message from Liam only a few minutes later, I figure he knew what his brother was doing and warned me or something. Like you'll read, he said he would tell me more later. Of course, I'll tell you what he said._

_PPS. I got turned down, big time. He doesn't like me back._

Typing that down hurt a lot. It was suddenly real, because not only Logan and I knew, but also James and Carlos. I hoped they would help me through this instead of telling me it was my own fault I was here in the first place. I knew that already. I needed a few shoulders to cry on. Figurative shoulders, since there was no way they could come over here.

I looked over at Logan again and decided I didn't want to be here today. He would be a wreck and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I was a wreck myself. One wreck can't comfort the other. That's just impossible.

I silently got up and gathered my clothes. I pulled them on and grabbed a bag. I put the camera and my prepaid mobile -I bought both of us one in case we lost each other- and took an apple and a banana for when I stayed away long. I wrote a note for Logan, telling him I would be back by dinner at last, but probably earlier.

I wandered around the city for quite a while. I wanted to get away from here. Not because I didn't like the Amsterdam, because I loved how free everyone was here. The people were nice and I liked to see the history here, but this city had just to many memories. Things I didn't want to remember. I wanted to forget about my romantic thoughts about Logan and focus on our friendship. That was kind of impossible in a city where everything reminded me of him.

But for today it was good. I couldn't cross a street without remembering something Logan did or said when we saw that statue or store. I first went to a store where they developed photo's. I wanted to safe all the pictures we made, so I could look back at them later. I asked for two of each picture, so Logan could've his own folder. There was still a change he would leave and if he did, I wanted to him have those pictures. I hoped he wouldn't forget me if I did that.

With the two folders in my back I got back on the streets and started walking again. Walking helped. I had to focus on where I planted my feet and watching out for bikers and cars. Seriously, I'd never seen this many people on bicycles.

I went into the park, something that wasn't a good idea. Here were much less people, so I didn't have to think about walking at all. Rapidly, all Logan thoughts dripped back in my head. I sighed and let myself fall on a bench, feeling new tears coming up and running down my cheeks. Since it was winter here, the tears froze on my cheeks. I didn't care. Pain was also one of the things that made me forget about Logan.  
I thought about my daydreams of Logan. The ones wherein everything was happy and light and Logan hold hands with me. Or hugged me, snuggling close against my body. Or kissed me with those perfect lips. I just knew kissing Logan would be the most amazing and wonderful thing in the world. Yeah, I would do whatever for a kiss from Logan.

Yes, I already got one. On my cheek. I so desperately wanted a real one. Hopefully with some passion and love shining through. It didn't even have to be with tongue, a simple one with on the lips was enough. I was sure that everything with Logan would be amazing. He'd shown that with the kiss on my cheek. I could still feel his lips lingering there.

Tonight I would explain to Logan why I wanted to leave Amsterdam. He could either go with me to Berlin or go some place else on his own. The thought of leaving Logan alone made me slightly worried. He was such a small boy. He wasn't a fighter. It just didn't really feel alright to leave a just-sixteen-year-old to go on his own. If he decided to split up, I hoped he would contact Liam and ask him to go with him. Leaving Logan with his older brother would make me feel a little better. As long as it wasn't Lucas.

I just hoped Logan wouldn't leave. I wanted him with me. I didn't want to travel on my own, what was the fun of that? No memories to share, no one to talk to, no one to go with you when visiting world famous buildings and other things. I just wanted Logan. He had to stay with me, because I knew now, that if he left, I would stay here. In my city of memories, forever thinking about what could've been.

"Hallo" The guy next to me said. "Je kijkt niet echt blij" I didn't even noticed him before. I wonder how long he'd been sitting there…

I looked up. I'd only understood the first word. "Uhm, I don't speak Dutch" I told him.

"Oh! I'm sorry! I said that you don't really look that happy" He said lightly. I was always surprised about how many people here spoke English. Practically everyone above age 12.

I studied the guy a little better. He'd brown hair and dark chocolate eyes. He'd dimples in his cheeks, even when he didn't smile. He was probably a few inches shorter than me. Heck, he looked like Logan.

"I don't really feel that happy either" I mumbled, looking at a few doves on the path.

"How come?" He asked curiously. "It sometimes helps talking to a stranger"

I eyed him suspiciously. I did want to lighten my heart. I couldn't talk to Logan. Or my parents or sister. Even talking to James and Carlos on Skype would be hard, Logan was always around and I didn't want him to hear me bawling to James and Carlos. This might be one hell of a chance.

"Basically... I like a guy, but he turned me down" I admitted quietly.

"Because he isn't gay?" He asked. I still had to get used to this, how open people were about things. That they didn't look weird at you if you liked a guy. "If he is, he's pretty stupid" He smirked. Or he was gay himself.

"No, he's into guys, but I lied to him about something important and now he doesn't want me anymore"

"That's pretty stupid" He said thoughtfully. "Was the lie worth it?"

"I got to spent more time with him. I'm Kendall, by the way"

"Dennis" He stuck out his hand and I shook it, before staring ahead of me again. He calmly sat next to me.

"I just... I met him about 9 days ago, when we both got kicked out. We'd never seen each other before, but I asked him with me and he said yes. We came here and from the first moment there was this thing that made me swoon over him. So about a few days later I found out his parents were looking for him. That's when I lied, I didn't want him to go, so I kept quiet. My friend back in America -he's the son of the police officer that runs his case- gave me a week to persuade L into staying with me instead of going home, later that night I found out he has homesickness"

Dennis hissed. "That's pretty cruel"

"I know. So yesterday, five days after my little agreement with the cop's son, I still hadn't told L I liked him. There had been a few moments where we almost kissed, but it never happened. Later that evening, I got in contact with his brother, he told me L's parents missed him and wanted him back, but then his other brother sent me a message telling me I shouldn't under any circumstances bring L home, because his parents wanted to send him to a straight camp"

"What's a straight camp?" He asked confused.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. "It's a camp where homosexual teens got forced into heterosexuality. From what I heard they use the most cruel ways to accomplish that"

He looked horrified. "Those things still exist?"

"You should be thanking god on your bare knees you live here, where guys liking guys isn't uncommon anymore"

He nodded slowly. "So I guess your glad you didn't tell L to go home"

"I am! I would've killed myself if I found out later what I'd done to him. I told him everything last night, he was pissed off. I had denied him the thing he wanted most five days ago. He's glad I did, but he still doesn't want to be with me, claiming he couldn't trust me to not lie again. That's the whole story. Logan is a complete wreck. He did like me back, but that all got crushed when I lied. His parents want to send him to a straight camp and one of his brothers is willing to help them with that. I just can't bring myself to go and comfort him"

"Shit, dude. That's all pretty heavy stuff"

"It's been only nine days! I already fallen for him much harder than I'd ever expected! Nine days! Fuck!" I shouted. The doves flew up, surprised and scared by my sudden outburst. I felt new tears welling up in my eyes while I angrily stared ahead of me. Stupid Logan, with his stupid beautiful eyes.

"Hey. It'll be okay again" Dennis said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. Shit, he really looked like Logan. I wondered if he can kiss like I imagined Logan would kiss...

"Yeah. Right" I mumbled sarcastically.

"Do you... maybe... wanna go for a drink? It's getting kinda cold here and I'll pay so...?" He blushed a little. It could've been from the cold... Or something else.

"Yeah, sure" I smiled.

He grinned back. "Alright then. I know just the place. It's not that far away"

We both got up. He indeed was shorter than me, but taller and broader than Logan. "So do you live here?" I asked while walking.

"No" He smiled. "I'm going to the university here. Tomorrow I've an early college and I'm sleeping over at a friends house so I don't have to get up that early"

"What do you study?" I asked curiously.

He grinned again. "English Language and Culture"

"That explains why you're so good at it"

"Thank you" He said shyly. He stopped in front of a little cafe and opened the door for me.

It smelled nice inside and wasn't all that busy. It felt strangely comfortable. He led me to a table in the corner and we sat down. I glanced at my watch. Four pm. I would've a little time before I had to go back to the hotel. I liked talking to Dennis. As long as he continued talking and acting like this I could just pretend he was Logan.

"Do you want hot chocolate too?" Dennis asked. I hadn't even noticed the waitress standing next to our table.

I smirked. "Yes, please"

He ordered two hot chocolate with whipped cream and she walked off again. "So what are you going to do about Logan?" He asked while pulling off his jacket.

"I'm going to try and get over him. I don't have a choice. I want him to stay with me, so I'll settle for being just a friend. At least then I have him around me" I sighed.

"You'll get through it" He said confidently.

"I hope so. Can we talk about something else now?"

"Yeah, of course. Shoot" He smiled at me again. His smile wasn't like Logan's. It wasn't lop sided.

"How old are you?" I asked, when I couldn't come up with something else.

"I'm eighteen, but only for a month or so" My eyebrows raised in surprise. I'd thought he was younger than me, since he looked like Logan, who was sixteen for only a month. "Why do you look so surprised?" He asked curiously.

I shook my head. "It's nothing"

"No, tell me" He commanded friendly.

"It's just... You look like Logan a lot. But Logan is just sixteen, so I guess I was surprised your two years older than him"

"Seriously? Is he that hot?" He asked smugly.

I laughed. "You're so arrogant. But yes, Logan's hot"

"That means I'm hot too" He stated satisfied.

I rolled my eyes. "Keep thinking that" I said playfully.

"Oh, I will"

The waitress came back with our drinks. We waited until she was gone before talking again.

"So he's that young? He's just a kid"

"You don't know him. I seriously never met anyone smarter. He can speak six languages! Six!"

"Damn. Alright, I won't judge anymore. He probably acts like he's a lot older too. I- wait, you didn't want to talk about him anymore. So, how old are you?"

I chuckled about his sudden ramble. "I'm almost eighteen"

He nodded again. "That's about what I thought" He grabbed his spoon and took a large bite from his cream. By now it was completely soaked in chocolate milk. I took my own spoon and followed his example. It tasted good. Until now I hadn't noticed I was feeling kinda cold, but this definitely helped.

"So why did your parents kick you out?" He asked. He'd eaten all his cream by now and was blowing in his chocolate milk, trying to cool it off.

"Because I'm gay" I said matter-of-factly. "I'm such a shame for my dad. The town we live in is strictly religious, no one will ever approve if fags -excluding my two friends. On top of that, I'm not his own son. My mom had a little affair back in the days and tada! Here I am, my mother's gay bastard"

"That sucks, man" Dennis said.

"I don't really mind. I didn't love them, they didn't love me. I was prepared for that moment, I knew they were going to kick me out, so I saved a lot of money and now I'm going to cross Europe, hopefully with Logan"

He nodded. His tongue pried his mouth open to lick the hot chocolate from his upper lip. It was hot. It got even better when he looked up at me, playful innocence and lust flickering in his brown eyes. "Bathroom" I commanded. He smirked and got up, going ahead of me to a door in the corridor next to the bar. I closed the door behind me carefully locking it behind me and walking over to him. I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him back until his body was pressed up against the tiles. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled my head down for a kiss. He was a great kisser. It was rough and passionate and exactly what I needed at that moment. I parted his lips with my tongue and mapped out his mouth. He moaned and tangled his fingers in my hair. I trailed my hands down from his shoulders to his sides. I stroked up and down while pressing him into the wall.

Man, this felt amazing. If I'd known being manhandled was this good I would have done it so much earlier. This was such a difference from kissing a girl. With girls you'd to be careful not to be too rough, or you would hurt them. Guys were... less afraid of that. I was still more the dominant type than the submissive, but guys put up more of a fight. Making the whole thing more interesting. Girls just let you take control. The first time kissing a guy was awesome.

I felt something snapping in my heart. I'd always hoped the first guy I would kiss would be Logan.

I quickly pulled back. "Shit" I mumbled.


	9. Amsterdam, City of Acceptance VII

**Amsterdam, City of Acceptance VII**

_I felt something snapping in my heart. I'd always hoped the first guy I would kiss would be Logan._

_I quickly pulled back. "Shit" I mumbled._

"Kendall? What's wrong?" Dennis asked worriedly and put a hand on my arm. I shook it off and took a few steps back.  
"God, I'm such an idiot" I breathed out. "I- I'm sorry, Dennis. This was a mistake" I said regretful.  
I looked up to meet his eyes and expected to see the anger in them, but to my surprise they were full of understanding and sadness.  
"I understand" He told me softly. "I hoped- oh, well" He shrugged and pulled his wallet out. He searched for a moment and then pulled out a card, giving it to me. "Here's my number. Call when you change your mind"  
I put it in my pocket. "Thanks. I'll certainly do that"  
"Good" He smiled sadly. He gave me a last kiss. I kissed back, but before I could say goodbye he was gone.  
I placed my hands on the counter and hung my head down, fighting the tears. Now that Dennis was gone, all the heartache came back. With on top of that the regret for what I just had done. It felt almost like I was cheating on Logan. _You can forget about getting a chance with him now, Kendall. He doesn't want liars, definitely not liars who go around and kiss someone they barely know acting like some kind of slut. That while you claim to be heartbroken because he doesn't love you back. Great liar you are.  
_"Fuck!" I cried out. Sobs formed in my throat, trying to get out while I sank down on my knees, leaning against the wall. I felt so alone. I literally had nobody. No James. No Carlos. No mom. No dad. No Katie. No Logan...  
This hurt so bad. I so desperately needed someone to tell me I wasn't alone and that everything would be okay again, but there simply was no one. I'd fucked up, threw away my changes and ruined one of my own dreams by kissing another guy before I kissed Logan. I couldn't even describe how immense the remorse was. I wanted to turn the time back, change everything I'd done. I would kiss Logan at the first chance I got, after our tickle fight. I would tell Logan immediately when Carlos told me his parents were looking for him. He would like me back by then, and stay with me for a few days longer to clear his head, only to decide to stay with me forever when Liam told us what Dr. and Dr. Mitchell would do to him. I would be able to help and comfort Logan while he was hurting. I would hold him close and whisper sweet things in his ear, kissing the tears away on the moments I didn't say anything.  
But now I was barely able to stop myself from crying. I simply needed someone. I thought about calling Dennis back, but that wasn't what I wanted either. I didn't know him, I didn't trust him enough to see me crying like this.  
I slowly got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I was absolutely disgusting. My hair was all wild and messy from Dennis' hands. My lips were slightly swollen from the kissing. My face was red and patchy and wet from the tears. More glistened in my eyes, threatening to fall. _'I don't know why I ever liked you!_' Sounded Logan's voice in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt a huge wave of pain hitting me. He was so right about that. Why would someone like me? All the problems I had, were created by no other than myself. And here I was, crying over my own heartache and self pity. I was just pathetic.  
I got up and splashed water in my face. It looked slightly better now, but you could still see I'd cried. I dried my face with a tissue and tried to flatten my hair to make it look presentable.  
After looking at myself in the mirror with disgust for a last time, I walked out of the bathroom. My bag and jacket were still there. I grabbed them and headed out of the cafe.  
It was raining outside and I made myself small in my jacket, pulling the cap up far over my head. I was lucky the hotel wasn't far away, but still, by the time I got back inside I was soaked. Luckily this also meant Logan wouldn't be able the keep tears and raindrops apart. I opened the door and saw Logan lying in bed, curled up like a little kitten, half empty pizza box next to him. I couldn't hold back a smile. When I leaned over him to get the pizza box, he whimpered softly. I couldn't help myself and ran the back of my hand over his warm cheek.  
The pizza was already cold so I decided it could wait. I put it on a table and started to peel the soaked clothes off my body. It worked, and I hung them over the radiator so they could dry. I then grabbed some dry clothes and went into the bathroom to take a shower, maybe cry some more. I didn't have that much time until I'd to suck it up and act like a man. One day of showing others my pain was long enough.  
I put the shower on hot and tried to focus on the pain of my burning skin. It worked. For a minute. After that tears once again blurred my vision. I stayed in here for a while, knowing Logan would probably have woken up from the running water and was waiting for me to come out. I didn't want to look him in the eyes just yet.  
What was I going to tell him? Did I want him to know about Dennis? No, but I didn't want to lie either. _'Yeah, I made out with a guy, -that looks like you- but I realize now that it was a terrible mistake and it shouldn't have happened?_' That was going to be such an awesome conversation!

I turned the shower off, I couldn't avoid him forever. I watched myself in the mirror while I dried myself off. I was still just as disgusting as in the bathroom of the cafe. Only my face wasn't red, my lips weren't kiss swollen and my hair was sticking to my head. Even my eyes weren't red anymore. Still the only person I saw in the mirror was a disgusting, lying cheater.  
I sighed and dressed myself. Coming out if the bathroom in only boxers and try to impress Logan with my body won't do a thing for my case. Besides, I was a nothing, I wasn't handsome or beautiful like he was. I didn't have anything to show off. God, why did I ever even try that? Didn't I see what an humiliation that would be? I'm such an idiot. He probably only blushed because he had a hard time not bursting out in laughter.  
I opened the bathroom door and saw that Logan indeed was awake. However, he was ignoring me and stared stubbornly at the wall in front of him, his shoulders shaking a little. I didn't really mind he didn't want to talk and sat down on the couch. I opened the pizza box and grabbed a slice. I didn't even look what the flavor was and just took a bite. I grabbed the laptop and turned it on. Maybe James or Carlos had answered by now.  
I was done with the first piece of pizza, but I didn't feel like eating any more. I opened hotmail and saw two messages, one from Carlos, one from James. I opened Carlos' first.

_That sucks, buddy. Of course he can stay, I don't mind lying to my dad about this! I wasn't so sure about this anymore once I read that HE TURNED YOU DOWN! I thought it would be great revenge to send him to a straight camp. Are you doing okay?  
I do feel like this is maybe a tiny little bit your own fault, Kendall. You shouldn't have lied :(  
Oh well, we're here if you want to talk. Keep your head up, mate! -CG  
_  
I smiled a little while forming new tears in my eyes. Of course Carlos would be the one that was the most realistic and pointed out this was partly my own fault. He said it in a very gentle way and I was glad for that. I already knew I was the one to blame, I didn't need to hear that again from my friends.

_I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM! HOW DARE HE TURN YOU DOWN! NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS AND LIVES IT DOWN! Are you okay? Because I will come over and beat him if you aren't. Talk to us, Kendall. You're gonna need it! -JD  
_  
I smiled again. That was such a James thing to do. He once painted the car of our english teacher pink because she gave Carlos and F for his project, only because he forgot to put his name on it. On top of that she humiliated in front of the whole class by giving him detention and letting him write a hundred times, 'my name is Carlos Garcia'.  
But I didn't want him to beat Logan. James is long and strong and at least 180 lbs, Logan with his small body won't survive one blow from James. Besides that, I didn't want Logan to get hurt or a scar on his gorgeous face. No, I wanted to keep him safe and healthy as long as he was with me.

_Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it, but I rather have Logan alive. And no, I'm not okay, but since this is all my own fault I'm just going to suck it up and help Logan with his problems. Some say it hurts when you find out your parents don't want you unless you're straight...  
Another thing; I met a guy today. We talked and I told him the whole situation. We went for a drink and... made out in the bathroom. Don't kill me! It's already eating me up inside. It was stupid, but for my defense, he looked like Logan... I'll see if I can talk to you on Skype when Logan's in the shower. -KK_

I placed the laptop on the couch next to me and let my head fall back. This was hell. Nothing more, nothing less. Just complete hell. I should kill myself for what I did. It was not like anyone wanted my around anyway. Maybe James and Carlos would feel a little bit of sadness, but apart from them... The only reason I didn't do it was because I was too scared to actually commit suicide.  
I shook my head, trying to get my mind straight again. It wasn't really working. I decided it was time to focus on Logan. I turned my head and saw his little form still shaking. "How are you?" I asked softly. I didn't dare to come any closer. He probably didn't want me to touch him. I wouldn't want it either when the other person liked me and I wasn't sure if he could control himself. Because I was sure I wouldn't be able to control myself once I touched him.  
"I d-don't f-feel t-that good" He sobbed softly. "I-I d-don't w-want to b-be al-alone"  
"You're not alone" I said.  
"Y-yes, I a-am"  
Alright. I couldn't hold myself back. I got up and sat down next to him on the edge of the bed. I placed a hand on his arm and rubbed softly. "You're not alone, Logan. I'll help you"  
"R-really?" He asked hopeful. He sounded so young and sad. _'He's just a kid'_ Dennis had said. "Ev-en af-after I t-turned y-you d-down?"  
I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, fighting the pain back. I was so glad he didn't look at me. "Yes. It was my own fault anyway" I whispered shakily.  
He turned his head. I hated seeing the tears on his pretty little face. "It's not all y-your fault. I shouldn't have c-come with you"  
"No! This all is in no way your fault. Nothing of it. You were hurting when I found you. I gave you a way to escape and survive. You realize you would've died if you stayed outside in the cold right? I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that, I should never have let myself fall for you while you were so vulnerable. I shouldn't have lied and hold you back. If I'd truly wanted what's best for you I would've let you go home. I was selfish and only thought about my own pain. I... I-I'm just g-going to t-take a s-step back and b-be y-your f-f-friend" Until the last part I'd managed to hold the tears back, but I let them go freely now. There was no way to keep them all in.  
He crawled up and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Thank you" He whispered. I nodded and closed my eyes, imagining he did this to tell me he liked me back. "I'm sorry for breaking your heart"  
"I-It's o-ok-okay" I whispered. "L-let's n-n-not talk about it any-anymore"  
He slowly pushed me back onto the bed. He pulled his arms back and curled up against my chest. "It's that bad, huh?"  
"Y-yes"  
He grabbed my arm, draping it around his waist. I instantly pulled him closer, flush against me, and started sobbing again. It hurt so much to have him so close, but for all the wrong reasons. He said nothing when I buried my face in his hair, taking in his scent with every intake of air.  
It took awhile before I could control myself again, but eventually I stopped sobbing. My eyes hurt from all the crying they'd done the past 24 hours. Logan didn't seem to have any plans for letting go of me. I was glad about that. "I'm sorry, Logan. That wasn't supposed to happen. I wanted to help you, not cry myself" I said regretful. I should doom in hell for an eternity. I more than deserved it.  
"It's okay. You needed someone too" He mumbled.  
I smiled. "Yeah. Thank you"  
He smiled back. "I'm staying with you, by the way"  
My smile widened. "That's great"  
He chuckled softly. "I talked with Liam. I used your e-mail account, by the way. I swear I didn't look at anything"  
"That's alright. What did he say?"  
"He said I should stay with you. I could go back and live with him for a while, but eventually my parents or Lucas will find me and since I'm still underage I will have to do what they say. Straight camps aren't illegal. Liam is searching for some way around it, but until he finds something it's best to hide. No one knows where I am. Even Liam doesn't. In everyone else's eyes, I'm probably dead. We only have to watch out for Lucas, he knows I'm alive and will try to find me"  
I shuddered. "I'm a little scared of him. Sorry, Loges"  
"It's okay. You should be scared. He's sick smart. Liam said it's best if we leave Amsterdam and go some place else"  
"Can he... track us, or something?" I asked.  
Logan laughed. "No. All that stuff like tracking cell phones and credit cards can only be done by the police with permission from a judge" He explained. "But he'll be able to see it if we fly, so I suggest we go by train from now on"  
"That could work" I said thoughtfully.  
He nodded. "We can't tell anyone where we're going from now on. Not even James and Carlos"  
"I can live with that" I said.  
"So where are we going next?" He asked.  
"Berlin" I told him. "I was thinking about renting an apartment instead of an hotel room. In that way we don't have to go out for dinner every day"  
"I'm okay with that" He answered. "Can we make cookies if there's an oven? My mom used to make them when I was sad"  
I looked down worriedly, not really sure if it was a good idea when it reminded him of his mother. "Sure"  
He snuggled a little closer and hid his face in my chest. I stroked up and down his back and before I could think about it I kissed the top of his head. For one moment it felt like what I imagined. That Logan would like me back and he was seeking comfort in my arms because he wanted_me_to hold and sooth him now he was sad. That he would find solace from that kiss on his head and know that I would always be here for him.  
But instead he was only lying so close with me, because he need _someone_and not specifically _me_. And instead of feeling more comfortable after the kiss he stiffened and scooted away from me a little. "Don't do that" He said frowning.  
"I'm sorry" I whispered regretful. He narrowed his eyes at me for a moment, but than snuggled closer and buried his face in my chest again.  
We just lay there for what felt like hours. I didn't mind. I was holding Logan, for as long as I did that I could pretend he liked me back. After about an hour I felt new tears dripping on my shirt. I pulled him closer and felt his body starting to tremble against mine. "I just want to go home" He whimpered. That sure hurt like a million knives in my back, but I didn't show it.  
"I know, but you don't want to go to a camp, right? It's better here, I'll take care of you"  
"W-why can't t-they j-just accept m-me?" He sobbed.  
"They've been raised with the bible, they believe being gay is a bad thing. I think they only want to help you by sending you to a straight camp, while they're doing the exact opposite. They just don't understand it isn't something they can cure" I actually believed that Dr. and Dr. Mitchell were two cruel persons for kicking this perfectness out of their house.  
Logan's sobbing got a little less while he thought of that. "That makes sense. They're doctors, they try to cure people, even when it's impossible" I nodded and continued rubbing his back slowly. Maybe now he could find some peace in it. "Kendall?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Do you think that maybe it's worth it to go to the camp if they'll accept me as their son again?"  
"What? No!" I said in disbelieve. I sat up and pulled my arms back. "I swear, Logan, this is not because I want to keep you here, but you should never ever go to that camp!"  
"But then my mom and dad will take me back" He whispered and sat up too, while tears glistened in his eyes.  
"Listen to me, they want to cure you. You don't need to be cured! You're the smartest, purest, most innocent person in the world. You're perfect. There is nothing in you that needs curing, apart from this little attempt on masochism here. Seriously, Logan, if you go home to let your parents bring you to that camp I'll contact Liam and tell him to pick you up from the airport and talk some sense into you. He knows what he's talking about, he's a lawyer. He told you to stay away from there, he doesn't want his little brother ending up there because he knows how horrible it is there!" I tried to catch my breath. "Don't ever go there, Logan" I begged.  
He was thinking deeply while staring in my eyes with shock. He suddenly burst out in tears. He buried his face in his hands while his body shook and trembled from the harsh sobs. I crawled forward until I could wrap my arms around his shaking form and pulled him to my chest. "Shh. Don't cry, everything will..." _Be alright again?_ No, I didn't believe that. "We'll work it out, Loges"  
I carefully leaned back until we were lying again. I pulled the sheets up and then wrapped my arm right back around Logan's waist. I held him close while he cried and gently rocked him. After twenty minutes the crying got less and less and he fell asleep. I followed not long after, Dennis completely forgotten.

**I cried while writing this. Poor Kendall. Poor Logan. Okay. So. Now I've to think about what happens next. Does anyone have an idea?**


	10. Berlin, city of broken walls I

Birlin, city of broken walls I

I wiggled a little, trying to get closer to Kendall without him noticing it. The two of us were sitting in the intercity from Amsterdam to Berlin. We spend only a few more days in Amsterdam, but eventually we decided we wanted to go. Amsterdam was painful for both of us and we wanted to get away from there as far as possible. Maybe Germany would bring a little more happiness than the Netherlands.

At the moment I was pretending to be sleeping. When I'd closed my eyes thirty minutes ago, I let my head slowly fall to the side on Kendall's shoulder. He put his arm around my shoulders and his coat over my torso and arms. I loved it how caring he was and I wanted nothing more than to let him be my boyfriend, but I just couldn't do it.

After the whole truth came out, I didn't trust him anymore. How could I trust someone that lied to me just to keep me around? How could I know he would do what was best for me and not causing me more pain? It was the most stupid thing I could possibly do; not trusting the person that paid for me, gave me a place to live, saved me from death, but I just couldn't.

I wanted to though. I really, really wanted to. Trusting him and taking him as my boyfriend would make both of our lives so much easier. Neither of us would've to pretend we didn't like each other, there would be no awkwardness and being together would be so much more fun. No hard feelings, no uncomfortable conversations, no weird thoughts when we were sharing a bed.

If you thought about it, I was the one being stupid. Kendall saved my life; of course I could trust him. It was the least I could do after everything he did for me. But me and my stupid heart couldn't do it. Somewhere around the second day I was traveling with Kendall I got this vision in my head. The perfect boyfriend.

And Kendall was it. He was so amazing. He was everything I -or any other teenage schoolgirl- could've wished for. He was popular. He used to be captain of the hockey team. He had two best friend and probably a big group of followers to sit with at lunch. He was handsome. He dated the hottest girl -before he turned out to be gay. He was kind and friendly. He was sweet and funny and caring and protective and strong and cool and nice and smart and interesting and had a great smile and the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen in my life.

I fell so hard for him; from the first time I saw him he was the only thing I could think about. I wanted to know what it was like to sleep in his arms, something I quickly found out when he comforted me when I was crying the other night. After that I couldn't stay away from him anymore. Every night when he was asleep, I scooted over and snuggled into his body, enjoying the warmth and comfort so much I did it again and again. Even now.

I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss him. No, first I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss. It's not that unbelievable I never kissed before, right? I was only just sixteen, I was socially awkward, I had no friends, I was the biggest nerd in school, I was small, I was thin, I had no muscle at all and my parents were famous. No one wanted to even try to talk to me, let alone kiss me.

I wanted to kiss Kendall. The first night he held me in my sleep I dreamed about him giving me my first kiss. It was so amazing and wonderful and I wanted to cry when I woke up. Since then I hoped Kendall would finally take the chance and kiss me. No, that wasn't true. I've been wishing for him to kiss me since the tickle fight. He had loads of chances. Sometimes accidental chances, sometimes chances I might have set up.

Yes, I could've made the decision myself and just kiss him, but come on, I've never kissed before. I've no idea how to do it. I want my first kiss to be good, not a total fail. And I want Kendall to kiss me again once it happened, I didn't want him to laugh at me when the kiss was over. It was so much easier if he just kissed me, then he could lead me and it won't be my fault when the kiss was bad. Problem solved.

I just wanted to know what it was like to have a boyfriend, to be in a relationship. It was amazing to hold hands with him and to cuddle with him. I wanted so much more from him, just not with him. Not with Kendall. I wished I could put all of Kendall's characteristics in a person that looked exactly like Kendall, but didn't betray me like he did. That would be perfect. And impossible.

I guess you could say I liked Kendall. I liked him a lot.

I snuggled closer to him, wondering if he knew I wasn't really asleep. Probably not, or he wouldn't have hugged me the way he was doing now. After I told him I didn't want a relationship with him, he'd been distant. He really tried to stay the same guy he used to be, but he didn't hug me anymore. He didn't flirt anymore. And I missed it all so much.

I knew why he did it and I didn't blame him for it, but I'd hoped he would still be my friend. I never had a friend before, if I couldn't have him as my lover I wanted to settle for that, but I wished he would stay the same guy. A happy guy that didn't fear anything and always tried to be the best.

We still talked, just not as much as before. Kendall because he still had problems with me turning him down, which wasn't surprising, and I because of the same thing. I was hurting from that too. It wasn't fun to see Kendall cry, I preferred to see him smile, but I couldn't be with him. I wanted to, the two of us being together would make everything easier, but it couldn't happen.

And I was hurting because of a whole other reason. My parents wanted to bring me to a straight camp. It meant they wanted me back as their son, but only if I was straight. It hurt a lot. Why couldn't they just want me for me? Why did I have to change? Why couldn't they just accept me? How hard was it to accept your son for who he is?

It made me wonder; if Liam turned out to be gay, would mom and dad disown him? No. They were too proud of him, they didn't want to loose a son that reached so much in his life. If Lucas turned out to be gay, they would disown him either, for the same reasons. In both cases my parents would try to keep it quiet, but they would accept it.

I'd always been a failure. I was never good enough for them. I was a failure. I was the black sheep. The person that disappointed everyone time after time after time. Nothing I did was good enough. Only my mother fully accepted me, but the only reason for that was because I was her little boy. Her youngest child.

I tried so hard to be like Liam and Lucas, successful and popular; a son my parents could be proud of. When I was seven I found out I was good in languages and I started focusing on that. In one year I went through all English school books and in the end I understood everything my parents were talking about. My next projects were Spanish and French, the two languages that sounded the most beautiful. It took me until the beginning of High School to speak them fluently.

Then I chose Latin, an old language that fascinated me. My parents used a lot of Latin terms for infections and illnesses and now I understood what they meant. I also tried German, a language I liked because of the hard sounds and interesting words. It was hard to learn how to pronounce the words, but I think I can speak it very well now.

And eventually I started on Dutch, one of the hardest modern languages to learn for someone who isn't Dutch himself. It has so much exceptions and details that it took me two years to figure out the words 'de', 'het' and 'een' all meant 'the', but could only be used for a specific word. Learning how to pronounce the words was easy after I did German. To me it sounded a lot alike.

But it was never enough for my parents. It didn't matter how much languages I spoke when I failed at every kind of math, chemistry and physics. I always got a D. Eventually I just didn't take the classes anymore, instead I signed in for all languages that were given even though I already knew everything, history, music theory and art class. My father was so angry. A Mitchell wasn't supposed to take art class. It wasn't hard enough for him. A subject meant for the dumb people.

And now they didn't want me anymore. Lucas would do everything for my parents, please them in every way possible, even if that meant betraying his own brother. He'd always been jealous of Liam, my parents favorite, and tried everything to fight him. Even now they were both grown men. I guess I had to be happy Liam was still looking out for me. I wondered how long it would take before Lucas found out he was helping me, but it couldn't be long.

It was important that from now on, Kendall and I told no one where we were going. If we wanted to stay together until I was eighteen and my parents could no longer force me to go, we had to be silent and invisible. Berlin was a perfect place to hide. Kendall found us a two bedroom apartment in the middle of the city, close to the stores and interesting things to see. It was big and a lot of people lived there. We weren't any different from the other tourists.

Kendall pulled me sideways, until I was lying with my head in his lap and he gently played with my hair. It was relaxing and before I knew it I was asleep.

"Wake up, Loges, we're in Berlin," Kendall said softly, shaking my shoulder a bit.

I nodded sleepily and opened my eyes. It was almost morning now, the train ride took the whole night, but I wasn't exactly rested yet. Maybe Kendall would let me sleep once we got at the apartment. I let him help me up before he grabbed our luggage and carried it out of the train, I followed closely.

"Get us a cab," He said, watching how I walked up to a black car that said 'Taxi' and asked the driver if he could drive us to our place in perfect German. The man was obviously surprised I spoke German and told us to get in. Kendall told me the address, which I told the driver. It was a silent drive, we were too tired to talk.

The train station was twenty minutes from our new home, but I was too tired to look at the city or the people or the landscape. I was just glad when we reached the building. Kendall paid the taxi driver, before going inside to the reception. I translated for him and the receptionist, but honestly I was so far gone I had no idea if I did a good job.

The receptionist helped us getting our bags upstairs and Kendall supported me, I didn't even mind his arm was around my waist. I didn't look around in the apartment, didn't get the time to either because Kendall helped me into the first bedroom he saw. I was glad the bed was already made and fell onto it, instantly falling into a deep, deep sleep.

I woke up a few hours later and it was dark outside again. I was still in my clothes I wore on the train and I was hungry. Maybe Kendall was already awake and did some grocery shopping or ordered food -that wasn't very likely since Kendall didn't speak German.

I got up and stretched, really hoping Kendall got us some food. Slowly I walked out of my bedroom into the main room, looking around if I saw Kendall anywhere. It wasn't a big room, but it was very modern and clean. Kendall did a good job finding us a place to live. He was sitting on the couch watching the news, but looked up when he heard me coming in. "Hey," He said and gave me a small smile, before turning away and wiping his eyes.

I closed my eyes for a moment to prevent myself from running up to him and kissing him full on his lips. Instead I waited until he looked back at me before slowly walking over. I sat down next to him and took a look at the tv, noticing there was some kind of movie on tv. "What are you watching?" I asked casually.

"Just a movie about a couple breaking up. It's not even a good movie, so I've no idea why I'm watching it." He reached out for the remote, but I was quicker and held it out of his reach, grinning playfully. "Logan, I'm not in the mood to play games," He said tiredly and leaned back against the couch.

I watched him a little more closely and saw the bags under his eyes. I hadn't noticed it before because of the tears. I felt bad for him and hoped I would find something I could do for him soon. It wasn't pretty to see him suffer so much and I wanted to help him be happy again, but I was probably the last person he wanted to have around him.

I put the remote back on the table and sat closer to Kendall, leaning into his side. He tensed up initially, but quickly relaxed and put his arm around my shoulders. Neither of us said anything, we just continued watching the movie. I tried to think of something that would cheer Kendall up, something he liked to do or to eat or to talk to...

About a minute or two later I felt Kendall's body getting heavier as he leaned into me. I looked up and saw his eyes were closed and he was slowly breathing in and out. I smiled a little, Kendall looked so peaceful when he was asleep, so much better than he looked the past few days. I put my arms around his body and carefully brought him into a lying position on the couch.

I got up and went into Kendall's bedroom. I felt even guiltier when I found out he gave me the big bedroom with the double bed, while he took the single one. I found what I was looking for in his dresser; a blanket. Going back into the living room I saw his laptop on his bed and a plan formed in my head.

Quickly I went back to Kendall and covered him with the blanket, before going back into his bedroom and pulling the laptop towards me. I logged onto Kendall's e-mail account, glad that he didn't change his password since the last time I broke in. I searched in his contacts and quickly found the addresses I was looking for, after selecting them, I started typing.

_Dear James and Carlos,  
I get I'm probably the last person you want to hear from, but I have to ask you for a favor. Kendall isn't doing so well and I was hoping that maybe the two of you could come by and cheer him up. I know it's a lot to ask, but he is your friend and he's really hurting.  
It's my fault, I know that too, but I had my reasons. The thing is that I'm really grateful for what he did for me and I want to do something back for him.  
I hope you can do this for him, I'll be thankful forever.  
Yours sincerely,  
Logan.  
_  
I read the mail over a few times and on the last moment I decided to let 'yours sincerely' out. I sent the e-mail and then remembered why I got up in the first place; I was hungry. Before I got up I turned the laptop off. I walked to the kitchen, smiling when I saw Kendall sleeping soundly, curled up under his blanket. Yes, I really liked him.

I should just forget about what happened and tell Kendall I wanted to be with him. He saved my fucking life, twice if you thought about it, of course I could trust him! I opened the refrigerator, finding it completely stuffed with food. Kendall definitely did some shopping. Maybe I could cook him a meal sometime. I liked cooking and baking, I loved it I finally had a kitchen to do so.

I grabbed eggs and cheese and started making myself scrambled eggs. Perhaps, after Carlos and James arrived and cheered Kendall up, I could start showing him I liked him and make him see I really wanted to be with him. I hoped that he would be his old self again, the Kendall I had fun with and swooned over.

The eggs were done and I ate them quickly, burning my mouth several times. Thinking of Kendall made me want to be close to him, look at him. It was almost too hard to stay away from him for long, and I wanted to get close to him again. I burned my mouth several times, but I didn't care, I just wanted to go to Kendall and look at him.

I put my plate in the sink, deciding I would clean it up later and went back to the living room. Kendall was still sleeping and I felt the immense urge to snuggle next to him and fall asleep with his arms around me. When we would wake up in the morning I could always tell him I fell asleep on the couch too. I just needed the contact now.

I decided on not to think about this and just do it. Quickly I went over and sat down next to him, I pulled the blanket I covered him with up a bit and slipped under it, already loving the warmth and comfort that came from Kendall's warm body. Carefully I pressed against his side and rested my head on his shoulder. I sighed happily and closed my eyes, quickly falling asleep.

On the last moment, I realized Kendall turned onto his side and wrapped both arms around me. He presses his lips against my forehead and whispered something I didn't understand, I was already too far gone. The last thing I felt was Kendall's beating heart against my cheek.


End file.
